Signs You’re Coming on Too Strong

coming on too strong

In the context of dating, relationships and seduction, the common problem I help guys with is poor calibration. In fact, the majority of problems can be traced to this core issue. Whether coming on too strong, or being too weak, both extremes can hinder your social life unless you are aware of the symptoms of such behavior. Today, we’ll talk about the danger of pushing too hard.

Recognizing the Behavior

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There are different degrees of coming on too strong. From regular pushy or abrasive behavior to needy, creepy or even malevolent behavior–as the above “psycho girlfriend” meme I selected for this article demonstrates

The really bad kind of psychotic pushiness is often the result of making assumptions in combination with having an extremely skewed or insecure version of reality. Obviously, assuming a first date is ready to talk about having children with you is laughable and absurd, and few people but the most deranged would suggest such a thing. However, you could be saying similar, terrifying things without realizing it.

For an example, avoid talking about ANY long-term plans with a woman you just met, even if you think it’s part of an innocent discussion. An example could be: “Yeah, I like to visit Wisconsin every couple of years, we’ll go together sometime.” Such a statement is not “sweet” like you imagined in your head; rather it’s a combination of “Let’s be friends forever!”, “Let’s get married and have kids!” plus “I’m desperate, PLEASE never leave me!”.

A second way that you might be coming on too strong involves controlling behavior. One time, during one of my international travels, I was staying at a youth hostel accompanied by this beautiful girl from London, with short cropped black hair and striking bedroom eyes. We hit it off like crazy, but as we planned our night, she was kind enough to express her discomfort about how I was “controlling” her too much.

As it turned out, I had been conducting a social experiment at being more “dominant” in my interactions to see if it would generate more attraction (I used to be fond of these social experiments when I was still learning things) and I had been neglecting the usual polite demeanor that accompanies my words. I rejected the usual phrases like “shall we?” and “perhaps we could” in favor of “We are doing this” and “Ok, time to go do this now”.

This change of tone had turned her off (and I learned my lesson from the experiment). There was no subtlety about it; she immediately sensed that I was being too pushy, and in her own words I was coming on too strong.

Now it’s true that some women MAY be turned on by this type of forcefulness. However, I’d guess it is a small minority; probably the same types of ladies who like you to break out the paddles, whips and chains in bed.

Are You Acting Like Tom Cruise Jumping on a Couch?

Sometimes high energy is good, and yet when Tom Cruise went haywire on that famous episode of Oprah, just about everybody felt creeped out. This is now the classic image of coming on too hard, and likely being considered a nutcase as a result.

If you are prone to high energy bouts of enthusiasm, you may want to consider gauging your outbursts, especially if the addition of sugar and caffeine sends you over the top. Acting hyperactive by talking too much, jumping around, and barely allowing her a chance to breath is behavior that quickly kills your chances. Understand that being extremely kinetic suggests immaturity just as much as the opposite (extreme passiveness or timidity).

A Few More Notes…

Being pushy, hyperactive, and making assumptions about your relationship are easy ways to turn her off, but there’s a lot more to consider. Any time a woman feels she is being coerced by you, then you are walking a perilous path. I most commonly see this among men who feel it necessary to assert their aggressiveness or an “alpha” attitude, despite how often this behavior backfires.

Sorry to be visceral, but I knew a guy in college who would try to take any pretty little date back to the beige, single-mattress of his bunk bed; and force her down on his cock with choice language like “Suck it, bitch”. Obviously, his dorm had a revolving door of disgusted women trying to get away from him. Yet, he somehow imagined that such behavior was appropriate because—most likely—he was obsessed with aggressive porn.

If you have similar ideas in your head, understand that porn, or anything you see on television, has very little to do with the reality of social situations—especially women and sex.

In Summary

You have to be chill. Always be chill. Whether making assumptions or becoming aggressive, these are traits you have to eliminate to achieve the cool, happy demeanor that will create the success in your life you desire.

Do you have any questions about your love life, or life in general? Why not write to me at ck@developedman.com and I might even write an article just for you.

Liked these points of view? Consider a $50 45-minute coaching session with author Cyrus Thomson to assist with attraction, relationships, lifestyle, meeting women and other fundamentals. There may be serious issues holding you back that requires assistance from a third-party. Click here to email CK@developedman.com and book an appointment.

Comments

  1. What about Internet dating how do I chat there? I am a woman 45 years old and seeking a male to be friends with. Any suggestions? I work and stay home don’t go out any more to meet men boring!

    • developedman developedman says:

      Online dating skews in favor of women, in my opinion. There’s a lot of guys on there. It’s almost more a matter of weeding out the wheat from the chaff. Get some photos of yourself looking your “best” whatever that means to you. Express your personality as much as you can, and then “set it and forget it”. In time, your inbox will start piling up with messages. I talk a little more about this in a book that’s going to be out later this week “Love and Dating For Shy People” (available on Amazon)

      -Cyrus

  2. Okay, here’s the scoop; I was talking to a lovely girl whom I feel very connected with. At first, I didn’t push too much, because I wasn’t super invested and remaining patient that things will develop in their own timing. Eventually she and I realized it was very mutual. That’s when I started to lose control of myself, and started texting/calling/messaging a little more. At first it was highly reciprocated, then kinda slowed down. (I sadly didn’t) But a few days ago we ended up having a long, deep, and positive conversation. Since then, she’s ignored some texts, and rejected a call. I don’t know if I’m pushing her away with all the attention. I know I should give her some space, but I can’t shake the feeling that she doesn’t want this anymore. Is there any to recover?

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