Sexual Virtues: Apathy

Think about the people you know who are very successful with women, and I’ll bet they all have at least one trait in common: they are indifferent and otherwise unaffected by the women they meet. In addition, they are not emotionally invested in situations or outcomes of most varieties. These are all traits of apathy, which is a key component of success in many areas of your life.

To understand the importance of apathy, consider the power dynamic of any given situation: whether a relationship or a business deal, the person who is willing to walk away has the power. This is a constant. A salesperson has the power when a customer wants to buy something, but the salesperson has a limited supply. The customer has the power when the salesperson wants money, but the customer doesn’t need the product.

When a man wants to have sex with a woman, or otherwise gain her attention or approval, then the woman is the selector, and she has all of the power in that relationship. She may continue to have power throughout the entire course of their relationship, which is rather unhealthy for the man who must continually try to keep her appeased lest he is dumped.

What Apathy is Not

Apathy is not being an emotionless shell, nor is it nihilism. We may call apathetic people “cool”, “carefree”, or “laid back”. Not caring about something is actually the choice of not putting emotional investment into something because you’re aware of the physical and psychic toll that wanting, desire, and neediness can create.

Apathy: the Secret Ingredient of Charm

Even dying a horrible death in outer space can be cool when you don't care.

Even dying a horrible death in outer space can be cool when you don’t care.

I’ve seen a lot of curricula from charm schools, PUA academies, seduction courses, and so forth, and I’m disappointed that I rarely notice such men’s interest groups teaching apathy as a primary source of charm and charisma.

Who’s a really charming guy? Many say “George Clooney” because that’s his stereotype, and it’s true—hell, he’s even charming in “Gravity” where he just floats around space a lot. But what makes him charming? He has a strong gravity (no pun intended) that pulls people toward him. He demands nothing from anybody.

If George Clooney suddenly “wanted” or “needed”: affection, approval, attention, or money, he would no longer have the Clooney-vibe that makes everybody love him. In “Gravity” his character demonstrated this confidence by remaining unaffected to a level that borders absurdity as his team is caught in a field of killer space debris.
By not wanting things, people will feel you are more level-headed than most, and people will feel automatically more comfortable to be around you. By contrast, people who demand things from others, whether material or psychic, are not trustworthy—they always have some trick up their sleeves to siphon energy like a vampire.

As this tendency is eliminated, charm automatically enhances, and people will even think of you as more authentic.

How to be More Apathetic

You have to start by releasing attachment to the outcome of things. Create mental insurance on every aspect of your life: no job? Have an independent income backup plan. No women? Be happy by yourself and stop trying to get sex to be happy. Broke? Try sleeping in your car for a couple of nights to prove you can do it if things get extreme.

The more you know you’ve covered your bases, the easier it is to start caring less and less about the things that normally scare people. So, in a sense, rugged individualism as we call it in America is a key to becoming more indifferent about your circumstances.

Furthermore, the thing most people emotionally depend on is relations to, and attention from, other people. The only way to bypass this is through being happy in your own shoes. Self-acceptance is not an overnight achievement, but as you press toward this goal, it becomes easier and easier to talk to people, take risks, and handle conflict.

It’s one of those things where you’ll only know you have it once you get there. Measure your success in years, not days. Are you more comfortable with yourself now than when you were in high school?

You know you are getting closer to this when insults are less intimidating, other people are no longer taken seriously, and you dwell less on the things people say to you. Furthermore, when attention from a woman—no matter how gorgeous she is—no longer means anything beyond the 5 or 6 seconds you’re enjoying it.

In Summary

Apathy is thus a major sexual virtue. The opposite of apathy is empathy, which is good—we should all care about each other—but empathy can also turn into reactiveness or neediness if it’s left unchecked, and no woman in history has ever said “he’s so reactive and not cool about things, gosh, I want to sleep with him so badly!”.

Finally, apathy is the key to having the power in any type of interaction. If you give your power away easily, you’ll always be at the mercy of other people. If you want to be a Developed Man, you cannot remain weak like this.



  1. Just curious, if you have the apathy that you describe, then don’t you have to be really good looking or otherwise super hot for the women to be interested? I act confident, have fun, and behave with a decent sense of apathy and all I get is indifference in return. I see other guys do the same thing who are “studs” and they easily land the girls. Even all the dudes in the pictures on this blog are handsome as fuck studs (including yourself). I don’t see your advice working for everybody – what am I doing wrong?

    • I don’t think so. I talk about looks in another article that sums that topic up pretty well. If you’re not good looking and you’re highly reactive, that’s the worst combo!

  2. It’s important to point out that if you are seeking attention from women or positive emotions out of them then… that’s still being reactive. Try to meet more people, and care less about the outcome of each person you meet. It’s about increasing your social life and subtracting the need for an outcome.

  3. I think where Pelle goes wrong is that he Is doing all the right things but deep down he still wants something.. Wants a good reaction, attention, attraction, sex or a date..If you’re doing all the other things right, which it seems like you are, and but you WANT something from women, or Want something is where you mess up..Stop caring if you never get positive attention from women for the rest of your life. Just give it all up. Women can tell if you are trying to get something

    • It’s true once you no longer need something anymore, it starts being given to you, which is a paradox but it’s the way that life works, and also a secret taught in eastern philosophy.

  4. Well reasoned. Thank you.

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