Maybe you have heard the term “Oneitis” before. This is the natural tendency to get caught up on one girl.
It obviously affects both sexes, as well. I was with a girl recently who described her mind as being completely invaded by a bad experience with a guy she was starting to date. “He started flirting with all of these other girls in the club in-front of me, while ignoring me the whole night. He did it to make me jealous and think about him. It worked. I deleted his number, but now I’m obsessed about him. Somebody shoot me.”
Oneitis, in all it’s forms, exists because of premature feelings for someone, or more rarely (as in the case with the girl) because somebody is manipulating your feelings.
It is not something to be shameful of, because it’s natural to become attached to personalities. If we can feel attached to a character on a television show, we can feel attached to somebody we just met in real life. However, most of the time this behavior needs to be nipped in the bud early. Here are six ways that it manifests:
You Went on 1 or 2 Dates, Then She Disappeared
This is the hardest form of oneitis. The reason is because maybe something was actually sparked, but suddenly she’s not responding to your texts or calls. Now you have placed heavy emphasis on a budding relationship, and you sense the crushing feeling that it will lead to nothing.
This type of oneitis results in stalkerish phone-calls, texts, and e-mails trying to get her attention, typically to no avail. Some of this is the fault of the woman who prefers to be passive instead of straightforward. The man is left wondering what he did wrong, but in most cases she simply feels that dating you is a bad idea; maybe for personal reasons (there’s another man in her life), or for practical reasons (no time to enter a relationship).
What to Do: Don’t contact her ever again. It’s fine to send one message, voice mail or text to a girl. It’s up to her to keep the line from going dead. If you think to yourself “Maybe my last e-mail didn’t go through”, you’re deceiving yourself. Trust me, she knows. If you keep contacting her, when you finally do hear back from her, it will not be a very nice message.
You have a girlfriend, then you break up with her – and you cannot get your mind off her.
This is the oldest feeling in the world. Every guy experiences this. Again, perfectly natural, but not a productive attitude to foster.
What to Do: You were together with her, and you feel hurt because it ended. Bugging or contacting her incessantly will obviously do nothing to mend the situation; and even if it did mend, you’d be back to dating someone you probably shouldn’t. Every time you feel an urge to call or text, start doing something else; I normally don’t condone playing time-sucking video games, but if booting up World of Warcraft gets your mind off her, then do it.
You Are Currently Dating Her
This is a more insidious form of oneitis, because generally somebody you are seeing deserves your sole attention, right? That’s what dating is all about, isn’t it?
The answer is actually “no”. In truth, she has multiple men she’s courting. That’s just the reality of 21st century dating, unless you’re in some conservative, rural community. If you’re living in a city, and the girl is halfway attractive, then she has options. If you don’t have options too, then sadly you have lost power in that relationship.
I don’t like that dating even has to include the term “power”, but the reality of the situation is that when she knows she can walk away from you, and be immediately emotionally gratified by a host of other men who desire her, then she has very little at stake with you.
What to Do: If you find yourself thinking about the girl 24 / 7, I encourage you to at least contact some female friends; or that one girl who you know has a crush on you on your Facebook feed. Remind yourself that women are not a scarce commodity in your life. Few men actually cultivate other women in their radius, which is not good. Instead, it’s best to match what she is also undoubtedly doing.
Obviously, don’t cheat – but at least you’ll know there’s plenty of options if things don’t work out with her. You’ll be less attached to that relationship, and it will even improve the relationship.
You Don’t Know Her and She Rejected You
One time a woman in a club looked me square in the eyes and said: “You are a creep, get the fuck away from me”. Her words echoed in my head for over a month; am I really a creepy? How could I have fallen so far in my life? Depression actually ensued because of this (I was pretty young at the time).
I saw her again 3 months later in the same venue. She did not remember me, obviously; she approached me at the bar and started hitting on me. For whatever reason, she was in hyper-bitch mode that night, but it was no reflection of reality, or else she would not have found me attractive after seeing me again (no, I did not get revenge on her, despite the temptation).
The moral lesson is that I had developed an acute form of oneitis over her; obsessing about her words and how they reflected my identity as a man. Because she was attractive physically, I placed unnecessary importance on her, putting value on her bullshit.
What to Do: Learn more about the nature of rejection and how it has no reflection on who you really are. if you really are pushy / needy / creepy, work on yourself more, or read a book to straighten out your inner game.
She’s Your Friend and You Crush On Her
Now we’re getting into genuine unhealthy, poor behavior. It’s fine to have female friends, it’s even OK to have female friends you are attracted to, but as soon as you begin THINKING about her constantly, you’re in trouble. There’s no reason to do this, it will destroy your friendship with her, and it will not increase your odds of dating her someday.
What to Do: Re-evaluate what you’re doing with your life. Ask yourself why you are coming from a position of scarcity. Change your thoughts to an inner frame of reference; take a look at your job, your lifestyle, what you do on Friday nights. Figure out what needs improvement, so you can draw value from more important things.
You Don’t Know Her, She Works at Starbucks
On a gradient scale, this is the unhealthiest form of oneitis. It’s the precursor to actual stalker behavior. It is when a man becomes obsessed with a woman he doesn’t even know.
Strangely, Hollywood says this behavior is fine, and it could even be the plot line for a romantic comedy. In real life, it’s not so funny. It’s fine to be attracted to some waitress you like, but unless you talk to her and try to act on it, those thoughts you are festering will become toxic, bad behavior.
What to Do: Do not go to the venue where she works anymore. There is no reason to put any woman on a pedestal, at anytime – so why do it to a stranger? You must evaluate the core reasons behind your behavior, as it’s likely due to a scarcity of women in your life, and a sense of inferiority.
You may also be suffering from delusions of grandeur, imagining your life with someone you don’t know so that you fulfill some empty void in your heart. Instead of filling that void with fantasy, fill it with personal love and appreciation for yourself.
In Summary
Oneitis is always the result of a feeling of scarcity. We become attached to one person, and forget that other people in the world exist. In the event that someone really is special to us (and is not some girl at Applebees you are stalking), then it’s not necessary to forget someone; but it IS necessary to seek experiences with other humans, to realize that no matter how special one person was, there are millions of other special people in the world, as well.
