How to be honest
Maybe it’s because of a late-stage quarter-life crisis, but as I get older I find myself becoming more honest about the shit that’s wrong with my life. I’ve also discovered the therapeutic nature of coming clean about these faults, and how it seems to enhance my social confidence on a number of levels.
A lack of authenticity means you are lying both to yourself, and to others, about things like your faults or weaknesses. This is a result of a feeling that it’s necessary to cover-up perceived flaws. Often, this is a very conscious effort, stemmed from a belief that other people are greater than you, and it’s necessary to lie to achieve equal footing.
Guys who are very concerned about status, what others think of them, and society’s expectations tend to be the most dishonest and inauthentic types of people. Or, they fall into weird, faux “nice guy” behavior.
In actuality, poor authenticity murders your chances with women. If you’re browsing this site looking for tips on how to meet girls, I’d suggest start by learning how to be honest as a way to jump-start this area of your life. Dishonesty, on multiple levels, creates the vibe of “swarthiness”, which is an attraction killer. Conversely, vulnerability and openness build strong connections.
Here are 9 ways to immediately become more authentic.
Come Clean About Faults through Self Deprecation
On a daily basis, your ego is wrestling with apparent shortcomings, whether they’re social stigmas or insecurities from childhood. The best way to come forward about these things is self-deprecating humor. Don’t overdo it, but if your situation in life is shit and you’re living out of your car, then humorously invite people to your Toyota after-party. In time, you will begin to own your shortcomings, versus allowing them to own you.
Put Yourself at Mercy
Another way your ego prevents you from learning how to be honest is by creating a self-defense system akin to the “Star Wars” program developed by the U.S. government during the Cold War. When people make mistakes, usually the first instinct is to cover it up, or even attack the attacker in a barrage of ego-defense laser-guided missiles.
Instead, when you make even mild mistakes—like at work—put yourself on the line and become the first to quip at your own incompetence. People around you have no reason to be harsh or condemning if it’s obvious you’re very aware of your own shortcomings. By doing this, you’ll never experience the feeling of having to “cover up” your tracks.
Example: “No, I didn’t file the report like you asked, either I’m going crazy, I’m incompetent, or both”…and then, obviously remedy your mistake.
It takes a real man to admit he’s wrong.
Admit to Vices
Another way inauthenticity enters our lives is when we live in the shadows of what we’re afraid to admit we like to do.
While I don’t think it would be a good idea to openly tell your work associates that you enjoy being tied up and spanked like a baby, there are less socially damning vices that you shouldn’t be self-conscious about.
For instance, if you play a lot of video games, fess up about it with people, and never lecture others about similar hobbies. Or, if somebody asked you what you did on Sunday and you spent the day watching reruns of “Married With Children” in your underwear, don’t enthusiastically respond with “I exercised, read some Dostoyevsky, and made a few hundred dollars on the stock exchange” because you feel it’s the most sophisticated or appropriate response.
Instead, tell them the honest-to-God truth, or else you’re deceiving yourself.
Tell People What Bothers You
Your friend tracked some dirt into your house, right after you vacuumed, and it keeps coming back to the forefront of your thoughts. Do you A: conceal it and fester about it, B: yell at them, or C: point it out and ask them to be careful in the future?
“B” and “C” are appropriate responses, but obviously “B” is very reactive and socially uncouth. Nevertheless, hiding your intentions or feelings is another way that people act inauthentic, and so even being harsh is better than festering and saying nothing, otherwise known as conflict avoidance.
Of course, the best tactic is “C”, so grace your disapproval with adequate social skills, and be quick to point out your disappointment.
Avoid Bragging And Compliment Fishing
Bragging operates in the following way: bragger accomplishes a merited task, bragger wonders why there is a lack of recognition for the significant deed, bragger begins to fish for approval, bragger receives approval and feels momentarily satisfied, OR bragger receives apathy or annoyance, and responds with passive aggressive hostility.
The root cause of bragging is insecurity. Everybody wants to feel accepted or to gain recognition, and this is fine (and perhaps it’s one of those vices you should admit to), but the sense of insecurity can run deep into your bloodstream, requiring incessant approval of accomplishments. If this is you, immediately confront yourself about it.
One clever way to brag in an “authentic way” is to state your intentions by prefacing whatever you’re about to brag about with your desire to achieve social feedback, IE: “I’m whoring myself out for approval so here’s the really cool piece of art I made, if anybody wants to comment on it feel free”.
At least this way, you’re not masking your desire for approval.
When the Truth Hurts, Tell it Anyway
The easiest way to learn how to be honest is to state facts even at the risk of confrontation.
Obviously, white lies are necessary at certain points, and you should not forego this practice when it’s necessary. However, do you ever find yourself lying just to avoid minor confrontations about things? Examples: “Yeah, I paid the electric bill” “Yup, I changed the oil after I borrowed your car, just like you asked” “I’m on a diet now, I swear” “No, I don’t think you gained weight over the summer, at all” “It’s your baby”
(Joking about the last one, obviously).
The funny thing about being honest is that sometimes people get pissed off at first, but in the long run you earn their respect. As an experiment, I made a policy with my last girlfriend to “never lie”, which would mean doing unthinkable things like telling her if she gained some weight or needed to put on makeup. We fought a lot at first, but later on our relationship became extremely trustworthy (and remains so today, actually, even after we had to separate because of distance. I’m still the guy she can ask about anything in the world and receive honest answers).
Do What You Say, No Matter What
Everybody knows “that guy” who is all talk, and nothing to show for it. Sometimes it’s on big levels (“I’m starting a business and it’s going to soar!”) or micro levels (“I’m doing my laundry today, I swear!”) but either way, whatever they say just doesn’t get done, and their promises become as hollow as their pitiful results.
Don’t be that guy. The best way to avoid this behavior is avoid any type of promise you feel reservations about. In addition, complete tasks without the expectation of approval. To be the type of guy who shows versus tells is going to create massive success in your life.
In my worldly experience, places like Los Angeles and Las Vegas are filled with people who make entire careers out of empty promises, and quality people can’t stand them!
Avoid Routines and Gambits
The more your social life is held up by the crutches of routines and fake personalities, the more it will eventually suffer.
Many people who constitute the currently small reader-base of Developed Man are friends or acquaintances in the seduction community, and sometimes these people become accustomed to the idea of scripted material and lines to meet women.
Actual, popular guys don’t need to do this kind of stuff. Over time, those routines become affixed to your personality, and your presentation morphs into something as fake as a three dollar bill.
Avoid this.
Put Your Feelings on the Line
So, as I explained at the beginning of this article, I’ve learned the therapeutic nature of putting yourself “out there” versus covering up weaknesses or flaws. Obviously, it’s not a good idea to be constantly weeping around everybody, but from time-to-time you should just come clean with friends and family about what’s working in your life, and what isn’t.
You’ll find most people are sharing similar plights as you are. Whether it’s a lack of money, relationships, or the crushing weight of comparing your dreams versus short term necessity, the human experience is surprisingly familiar among all who participate in it, and there are a lot of people willing to help you along the way when you learn how to be honest with yourself.
What Do You Think?
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