How to Be a Gentleman By Not Being a Gentleman

how to be a gentleman

Traditionally, men are taught by their elders how to be a gentleman. This brings to mind various nostalgic early 20th century ideas of opening doors, practicing some form of chivalry, and being a polite, well-rounded man.

There are many ways that “being a gentleman” is an adage that bothers me. It implies automatically that men are separated into two camps: the gentlemen and non-gentlemen; and that the latter are rude, dishonest, poor examples of men.

In reality, many of the worst men I’ve ever known have self-identified as gentlemen. This tells me that the advice as it’s traditionally passed on neither applies to the modern world, nor is it comprehensive enough to be a model of behavior.

That’s because gentlemen of this era are self developed men. If you follow the advice to open doors for your date, and this is your epiphany of social skills, you’re likely to find yourself stuck repeatedly in friend zone. Alternatively, acting aloof, cocky, and less clingy will contrast you from the endless parade of nice guys and their predictably bad behavior.

The reason this type of advice may have worked in 1935 is because before the age of rampant globalization, mass-communication, and sex as a pop-cultural weapon; men were born with an inherently grounded nature. There was an unspoken understanding of important values in life. There was no opportunity for men to spend half their lives in basements playing Warcraft, because at some point they would inevitably have to fight a real war. They knew life was short and precious.

Today, humans are raised by pop-culture. We are fed billboards and advertising that tell us to seek pussy as a standard of self-worth. Bad social skills are reinforced in schoolyards. Working as a community is downplayed in favor of convenience. Fresh off the factory floor, most men are fairly maladjusted.

Given this type of environment, to be a gentleman now means pushing against the grain with a different entire set of values. This includes:

  • Not putting women, or anyone, on pedestals
  • Being politically incorrect when necessary
  • Rejecting social roles and career roles
  • Developing a sense of humor and cockiness
  • Not taking everything so seriously
  • Not acting like an extremely self-conscious product of pop-culture
  • Being quick to call out bullshit when you see it
  • Knowing how to go out and have fun in an era when most prefer to sink into their couches and play video games / watch TV / stagnate on Facebook

All of this being said, you should still use the golden fucking rule. That’s what being a “good person” really involves–treating people with empathy. This includes employees, friends, lovers, anyone. See people as your brothers and sisters–unless they do wrong to you. In that case, see such a person as an undeveloped soul who needs a few more life lessons

However, if all you do is try to take the traditional ideas of how to be a gentleman and mold it on-top of our modern lack of values, then you may appear hollow and vapid. You are opening doors, walking on the outside of the sidewalk for ladies, and bringing flowers on a date–all while showing no substance or character to speak of.

Meanwhile, based on behavioral patterning, women typically identify this type of “gentlemanly” behavior with low-quality, uninteresting men who were taught how to dress and act by their mothers. By contrast, the cocky guy who doesn’t seem to give two shits is identified as the actual “gentleman” who is far less likely to social media stalk her, annoy her, obsess over her, or various other low quality behaviors that (quite sadly) this type of behavior seems to precipitate.

Is being a traditional gentleman completely dead? Maybe not in some cultures. For instance, in some more conservative parts of the world, it still seems to be what women in particular desire in their men. However, at least in the West, it’s no longer a sophisticated type of behavior.

Instead, it’s wiser to learn how to be a rebel. In summary, if you had to choose between Luke or Han Solo, I think Han is the better role model in the 21st century.

(To learn the much more complex and in-depth answer to the question of modern male virtues, see my book “How to Become a Powerful, Sexy Man”).

Are You An Alpha Male or Just An Insecure Dude?

fake alpha male

Alpha male is a popular buzzword these days (I even wrote a book dissecting the topic). However, let’s be clear that alpha behavior has little in common with overly-macho, aggressive or insecure attitudes. The very concept of “alpha” is also shaky.

In social situations, we can observe men with high-levels of social prowess and charisma. Comparably, the dominant wolf in a pack is also the leader who looks out for the female wolves and beta males.

These comparisons only apply marginally to the human world. The charismatic guy at the party may be considered an “alpha”, as could the DJ who controls all of the attention in the room; however when a guy deliberately tries to be what he considers an alpha man, there are many pitfalls to be careful of.

Here are some signs you’re not really alpha, but just another insecure dude:

  • You are afraid to be vulnerable.

What is vulnerability? The definition changes per person. It could be fear to show you’re not an expert at something. Or, fear of showing that you’re visibly upset about something. It doesn’t make you stoic, it makes you seem afraid of yourself. Not alpha.

  • You think you’re superior to other men, or to women.

Belief that you’re superior to somebody else is the quickest way to demonstrate that you’re not superior to anything. If you don’t have a strong sense of equality, then the impression people will get of you is that you’re over-compensating. This could manifest as putting “weaker” men down, or a belief that women are inferior to you.

  • You bypass social queues to pickup women.

Sure, it’s good to approach women and to express your sexual intent. But, some men take this to the next level. As soon as they see a woman they’re even slightly attracted to, they feel the need to push past everybody else and go harass her while she’s having a quiet dinner with her boyfriend at a restaurant. You’re not being alpha, you’re being annoying.

  • You place your value as a man on working out.

It’s good to work out and look good. As a man, it’s something you need to do. But many men get obsessed with it. They spend half their lives in the gym. They start to develop a complex of self-hatred when they see other men more ripped than them. Seriously? You can be skinny and high-value as much as you can be ripped and high-value. Stop looking at other men with bicep envy. It’s not cool.

  • Your first instinct is to antagonize a fight, not diffuse it.

Absolutely no martial artist in existence teaches the value of provoking a fight before diffusing it. Fight when you need to. Fight when you’re cornered or you or someone you know is threatened. But if it’s a pointless, ego-based conflict–like some dude tools you at a bar, then you are NOT being some type of macho dude because you throw a chair at him. You’ll get kicked out of the bar and look like an unstable jackass in the process.

  • You talk about yourself a lot.

What confident person can you think of who constantly drones on about himself? None. I live in Hollywood right now. It’s amazing how many people out here will immediately switch the topic to their trophies and the time they appeared in the background of Transformers 2. No one cares. Trying to make yourself seem important makes you seem unimportant.

In Summary

Get over yourself. “Trying” to be an alpha could be a highway to some very insecure behavior. You may have the best intentions for yourself in mind, but be careful of what your thoughts are actually manifesting as.

French Feminism vs American Feminism

Editor’s Note: On Developed Man, I’ve tried to focus on self-development and avoid the fiery debate across the Manosphere and men’s rights sites that point the finger at “feminism” as being responsible for men’s problems.

However, undeniably gender issues do affect men’s lives, and how women view their other-half greatly influences our romantic prospects. A friend, using the alias “Latinluva”, is a global dating expert who encourages men to leave North America to increase the quality and scope of their love lives.

He submitted this article to me and I decided to publish it, as it presents an interesting perspective about how feminism differs in other countries and offers what I feel is a clarifying perspective about this controversial subject.

– Cyrus

These days, it’s becoming apparent that it’s a hassle to date in America. When I moved to Los Angeles from Mexico, I met many girls who were struggling actresses, working as waitresses with no time for meeting men, while many of the other women I’d meet were struggling in their own way as immigrants, working bad jobs for the city or at fast food restaurants.

Welcome to life in America, where everybody is a workaholic to pay expensive rent, where you spend 30% of your life driving alone in your car stuck in traffic, and where everybody is lonely.

So, a lot of both men and women are leading very lonely lives, and lately many men believe that the reason there is so much disconnect is because “feminism” has driven a wedge between the sexes, which has meant less dating and companionship for everybody.

Is this true? Here is my perspective as a global traveler.

Feminism itself is supposed to be the struggle for equal rights between men and women.

There are 2 main schools of thought relating to feminism: Western feminism and French / European feminism, which is practiced elsewhere in the world.

Western feminism / American feminism

This type of feminism basically teaches that women are inherently not equal to men. Therefore, women must compensate by working hard to gain equal footing and / or outdo men. This is why you may see terms like “Working Women” (as opposed to “Working People”), emphasizing a woman’s role that is just as strong or stronger. There is a focus on women being able to do the same jobs men usually do, and if necessary to adopt masculine attributes to be recognized as equal. This type of feminism is commonly seen to have an adversarial attitude.

French feminism

French feminism basically focuses on ensuring equal rights for women while admitting (versus fighting) the natural gender differences, so Men are A, and Women are B, but A is not superior to B, or vice versa. In other words, French and other European brands of feminism have no problems reconciling that men and women have inherently different preferences and desires, but they do not feel threatened by these differences.

It seeks to empower women through their own femininity. They seek equality in terms of civil rights (voting, that their decision counts, that they have the same amount of opportunities, etc.) but at the same time promotes feminine empowerment. For example: being sexually attractive as means for empowerment, focusing on embracing one’s feminine self, beauty, and celebrating more womanly tasks and jobs versus feeling limited by them. European feminism is about promoting feminine positions and ideas in society while not trying to imitate men who are, by nature, different.

Very often these two schools of thought fight amongst each other. For example, Western feminists may accuse French feminism of allowing themselves to be “oppressed” by men for feeling it’s acceptable to dress in a sexual way and being OK with men’s compliments and attention.

On the other hand, French feminism may accuse Western feminism of disempowering women by telling them to pursue manly tasks and behavior. French feminists may feel offended by the notion that behaving in a feminine way is just “wanting to satisfy men”.

I think these two images speak for themselves:

FrenchVSWesternFeminism

There’s nothing wrong with feminism (or at least the way it’s supposed to be). The real problem we are dealing with is that there’s something wrong with how people in America interact with each other and spread harmful ideas.

Something very bad happened in America, perhaps nourished by fear, control, overpopulation, and Hollywood that made its citizens too self-conscious. As a foreigner having lived in Los Angeles for a year, I am now absolutely sure that the USA is the most self-conscious country in the world, and this had led to a lot of confusion in matters relating to social interactions between genders.

So America has become the perfect fertile field for confused and unhealthy gender dynamics to grow. You can see this not only through the lens of Western feminism but in American’s day to day lives. Take a look at the following video related to “street harassment”:

I see too many problems in this video, related to both men and women. Here are the facts:

American Men are needy: Men who catcall women on the street are simply projecting unsatisfied desires, meaning they are not getting laid good or often enough. There’s also a problem with education: Social classes in America are more divided, the public education system fails to deliver, and men lack behavioral guidance in life. This is why men on this video lack the touch and chivalry to display value and they resort to needy behavior (cat-calling) instead of properly approaching and striking up a conversation.

But also I see an incredible amount of self-consciousness from these women, I mean, they dress sexy and complain of the unwanted attention, but we know every woman in the world craves attention. It’s just that these self-described “feminists” complain that they want the control of who gives them that attention.

The video also recounts stories of women who were sexually molested in the subway. This is a serious offense, but it’s not fair to associate an actual sex crime with a guy who calls a woman in a short black skirt “beautiful” (as we see early in the video).

This is very selfish in a way and also puts society at risk because they are basically looking to create laws that would prevent men from talking to women in public places. If such laws get approved then dating in America will become impossible, and it’s already hard.

Have you ever tried online dating in America? I have and guess what? It’s a joke. Even as an attractive man, I have no power in the digital dating marketplace. On the other hand, I found out that attractive women in the USA get 30 mails per day on average (according to statistics). In other words, an attractive woman in America has absolutely 0 problems for finding partners, so much that they can’t even read the amount of e-mails that get accumulated in their inboxes. Since the average woman is swimming in a sea of options, that’s why they never respond to most guys (even quality guys).

If that wasn’t bad enough, I recently read about these two entrepreneurial women who have created a new dating site (Siren) that has a specific algorithm that can completely filter women’s preferences so that candidates who don’t fit the desired profile will be absolutely unable to communicate with them (so becoming witty and skillful at conversation will no longer work in this case).

And then you have the news about “women only hotels”. . .

…And you get the picture: men in America are becoming absolutely powerless at dating: in a near future they will no longer have anything to do with the dating process, and it will be completely out of their control. This is one of the reasons pickup artistry and learning game is so popular in America, as it’s the only possible way for most men to try and retake some of their value.

If you’ve been following Developed Men, you’ve probably read many articles relating to behavioral patterns and learning the art of seducing women, these of course are tried techniques to make a difference in the extremely difficult and competitive dating scene in America. It’s basically an art that needs to be studied and perfected in order to make it work, and we are hopefully building true gentlemen—men who can display value in society and be appreciated by women.

However, I feel like the need for these skills is exacerbated in North America, where women are very difficult to connect with, and therefore many men become lonely and desperate and they require as much game as possible to try and force a broken system to work.

American men forget that in other parts of the world meeting women is natural and easy. The lack of options and loneliness that American men suffer is disproportionate to the rest of the world, and this is why American men get needy and act in a low-value way, such as with the cat-calling. As you can see it is a vicious circle.

There’s a fight going on out there, namely against Western and North American thinking, which is an ideology of self-consciousness and confusion that hurts gender dynamics and makes life much harder for both men and women. By contrast there are other ideas about feminism that do not promote a self-conscious and unhappy society, and this is the European and French model.

It’s very important for men and women alike to recognize these alternatives and to spread awareness about them, otherwise Western ideologies will continue to spread, and as we have seen by the very damaged social culture in the United States, we do NOT want Western culture and it’s wrong ideas about the sexes to overtake countries abroad that have much older and more balanced views on male / female relationships.

As for men who are stuck in America, your solution is global dating. Get out of the United States. In other places I have been to it’s amazing how the problems I mentioned so far do not exist. Online dating becomes easy, approaching women is much easier, there is no tension or hostility between the genders, the men do not act needy or pushy, and the women are not self-conscious or confused about themselves.

I’ll talk a lot more in my next article about global dating. Stay tuned.

Huge Mistakes From Yesteryear’s PUA Movement

pua movement

I don’t think anybody likes the term “PUA” (pickup artist) anymore because it’s ridiculous. But, I still see guys using PUA principles in an effort to become better men or cure long romantic dry spells. Some of these behaviors still crop up even if the “PUA” culture is mostly on the way out. In this case the only thing you need to pick up is your right-hand and slap yourself silly if any of the following applies:

  • Putting Pussy on a Pedestal: The mantra of the pickup scene was always: get laid to be popular, get laid to earn respect. Most of us who were brought into the game by naivete learned that this mentality creates the diametric opposite of results. At the end of the day sex isn’t really that important, and sometimes it’s even a hassle. The West has made sex and scoring with genetically gifted women into something 10x more important than it ever really was. This is mostly because of advertising / Matrix thinking. Young guys often think like this anyway, and the PUA scene just exacerbated it.
  • Going to Nightclubs: Most people with any social experience eventually learn how going to nightclubs is a huge waste of time. Both PUA books (including “The Game”) and modern pop culture stresses how nightclubs are some mecca where guys get laid and super cool dudes are born. Nothing could be further from the truth.
  • Treating Women as Conquests: This is something I still see on certain Manosphere sites and it’s one of the reasons I made Developed Man, because I got extremely frustrated reading blog posts by certain authors who I felt were respectable, but were still calling women “targets”. Coaching guys a lot back in 2012, I discovered how this mindset is infectious and turns guys into social robots, which leads to…
  • Treating Women as a Different Species: Some guys back in the PUA scene could never last long in intimate relationships because they never really wrapped their minds around the fact that despite some biologically different impulses in regard to attraction, men and women are the same (humans). This also manifests among a few misogynistic offshoots of the Manosphere who have taken “bros before hos” to a new level of extreme. All of these ideas are not only unhealthy, but hurt your chances at relationships.
  • Obsession With Some Certain Type of “Hot Girl”: The PUA mentality had a lot of guys obsessed with proving their manliness to the world by going from geek to banging an “HB10″. What they don’t realize is that the sex and possible subsequent relationships are a lot more fulfilling if you think more about factors like: compatibility, her emotional intelligence, her honesty, and virtues. A woman who’s more down to earth is also far less likely to play games, initiate insanity / drama, or keep you running in circles.
  • Not Going to Social Events: When I was a college sophomore enticed by PUA material, I had read that “hot game” was like “cheating” and real men had to learn to “cold approach” women in various awkward settings. Total nonsense. This idea was spun so that guys buy more products. Nightclub game is hard for social beginners. Furthermore, daygame can be equally intimidating. By comparison expanding your social circle is easy and is guaranteed to bring women into your life. Go to charity events, Meetup.com groups, or host your own stuff. Meet lots of people, throw “openers” out the window, and just expand your social circle as your number one priority. Later on it’s good to test your comfort zone with meeting strangers in daylight settings, but don’t pin your entire love and sex life on it.
  • Pretending: The good sites on the “Manosphere” these days are committed to what I call the Men’s Self Development Movement. This has nothing to do with pretending to be someone cool. The PUA paradigm taught guys from day one to “fake it”. You’re geeky and socially awkward? Then buy really nice clothes and make up a bunch of stories about yourself. This advice is epically bad.
  • Practicing “Game” When You Don’t Need To: I saved this one for last, because I used to see guys do this *a lot*. Game is really social confidence and projecting yourself as a strong man, which women find attractive. That’s ALL it is. “Game” with quotation marks is rehearsing weird tips from books that don’t work. This might be acceptable in a venue full of strangers, but I used to see guys doing this shit in their offices, at parties, or among friends. You don’t need to “game” girls in these instances. It makes you seem like a loser at best, and a creepy fucking weirdo at worst. Not acting “normal” and putting on some type of weird front to talk to women is social suicide, and your friends will stop inviting you to parties and mixers. Guaranteed.

I hope my bit of tough love will put the nail in the coffin of your potential PUA habits, if you are unfortunate enough to have picked any up as you read men’s interest sites. For fun, I’d like to hear from you about the worst examples you’ve personally seen of guys awkwardly behaving like pickup artists. Leave a comment below.

Oh yeah, don’t forget you can e-mail me personally at this link, for any reason (except to spam me with Viagra advertisements. I don’t really need viagra at this stage in my life)

Sexual Virtues: Apathy

Think about the people you know who are very successful with women, and I’ll bet they all have at least one trait in common: they are indifferent and otherwise unaffected by the women they meet. In addition, they are not emotionally invested in situations or outcomes of most varieties. These are all traits of apathy, which is a key component of success in many areas of your life.

To understand the importance of apathy, consider the power dynamic of any given situation: whether a relationship or a business deal, the person who is willing to walk away has the power. This is a constant. A salesperson has the power when a customer wants to buy something, but the salesperson has a limited supply. The customer has the power when the salesperson wants money, but the customer doesn’t need the product.

When a man wants to have sex with a woman, or otherwise gain her attention or approval, then the woman is the selector, and she has all of the power in that relationship. She may continue to have power throughout the entire course of their relationship, which is rather unhealthy for the man who must continually try to keep her appeased lest he is dumped.

What Apathy is Not

Apathy is not being an emotionless shell, nor is it nihilism. We may call apathetic people “cool”, “carefree”, or “laid back”. Not caring about something is actually the choice of not putting emotional investment into something because you’re aware of the physical and psychic toll that wanting, desire, and neediness can create.

Apathy: the Secret Ingredient of Charm

Even dying a horrible death in outer space can be cool when you don't care.

Even dying a horrible death in outer space can be cool when you don’t care.

I’ve seen a lot of curricula from charm schools, PUA academies, seduction courses, and so forth, and I’m disappointed that I rarely notice such men’s interest groups teaching apathy as a primary source of charm and charisma.

Who’s a really charming guy? Many say “George Clooney” because that’s his stereotype, and it’s true—hell, he’s even charming in “Gravity” where he just floats around space a lot. But what makes him charming? He has a strong gravity (no pun intended) that pulls people toward him. He demands nothing from anybody.

If George Clooney suddenly “wanted” or “needed”: affection, approval, attention, or money, he would no longer have the Clooney-vibe that makes everybody love him. In “Gravity” his character demonstrated this confidence by remaining unaffected to a level that borders absurdity as his team is caught in a field of killer space debris.

By not wanting things, people will feel you are more level-headed than most, and people will feel automatically more comfortable to be around you. By contrast, people who demand things from others, whether material or psychic, are not trustworthy—they always have some trick up their sleeves to siphon energy like a vampire.

As this tendency is eliminated, charm automatically enhances, and people will even think of you as more authentic.

How to be More Apathetic

You have to start by releasing attachment to the outcome of things. Create mental insurance on every aspect of your life: no job? Have an independent income backup plan. No women? Be happy by yourself and stop trying to get sex to be happy. Broke? Try sleeping in your car for a couple of nights to prove you can do it if things get extreme.

The more you know you’ve covered your bases, the easier it is to start caring less and less about the things that normally scare people. So, in a sense, rugged individualism as we call it in America is a key to becoming more indifferent about your circumstances.

Furthermore, the thing most people emotionally depend on is relations to, and attention from, other people. The only way to bypass this is through being happy in your own shoes. Self-acceptance is not an overnight achievement, but as you press toward this goal, it becomes easier and easier to talk to people, take risks, and handle conflict.

It’s one of those things where you’ll only know you have it once you get there. Measure your success in years, not days. Are you more comfortable with yourself now than when you were in high school?

You know you are getting closer to this when insults are less intimidating, other people are no longer taken seriously, and you dwell less on the things people say to you. Furthermore, when attention from a woman—no matter how gorgeous she is—no longer means anything beyond the 5 or 6 seconds you’re enjoying it.

In Summary

Apathy is thus a major sexual virtue. The opposite of apathy is empathy, which is good—we should all care about each other—but empathy can also turn into reactiveness or neediness if it’s left unchecked, and no woman in history has ever said “he’s so reactive and not cool about things, gosh, I want to sleep with him so badly!”.

Finally, apathy is the key to having the power in any type of interaction. If you give your power away easily, you’ll always be at the mercy of other people. If you want to be a Developed Man, you cannot remain weak like this.

How to be Honest and Authentic to Enhance Your Success

How to be honest

Maybe it’s because of a late-stage quarter-life crisis, but as I get older I find myself becoming more honest about the shit that’s wrong with my life. I’ve also discovered the therapeutic nature of coming clean about these faults, and how it seems to enhance my social confidence on a number of levels.

A lack of authenticity means you are lying both to yourself, and to others, about things like your faults or weaknesses. This is a result of a feeling that it’s necessary to cover-up perceived flaws. Often, this is a very conscious effort, stemmed from a belief that other people are greater than you, and it’s necessary to lie to achieve equal footing.

Guys who are very concerned about status, what others think of them, and society’s expectations tend to be the most dishonest and inauthentic types of people. Or, they fall into weird, faux “nice guy” behavior.

In actuality, poor authenticity murders your chances with women. If you’re browsing this site looking for tips on how to meet girls, I’d suggest start by learning how to be honest as a way to jump-start this area of your life. Dishonesty, on multiple levels, creates the vibe of “swarthiness”, which is an attraction killer. Conversely, vulnerability and openness build strong connections.

Here are 9 ways to immediately become more authentic.

Come Clean About Faults through Self Deprecation

On a daily basis, your ego is wrestling with apparent shortcomings, whether they’re social stigmas or insecurities from childhood. The best way to come forward about these things is self-deprecating humor. Don’t overdo it, but if your situation in life is shit and you’re living out of your car, then humorously invite people to your Toyota after-party. In time, you will begin to own your shortcomings, versus allowing them to own you.

Put Yourself at Mercy

Another way your ego prevents you from learning how to be honest is by creating a self-defense system akin to the “Star Wars” program developed by the U.S. government during the Cold War. When people make mistakes, usually the first instinct is to cover it up, or even attack the attacker in a barrage of ego-defense laser-guided missiles.

Instead, when you make even mild mistakes—like at work—put yourself on the line and become the first to quip at your own incompetence. People around you have no reason to be harsh or condemning if it’s obvious you’re very aware of your own shortcomings. By doing this, you’ll never experience the feeling of having to “cover up” your tracks.

Example: “No, I didn’t file the report like you asked, either I’m going crazy, I’m incompetent, or both”…and then, obviously remedy your mistake.

It takes a real man to admit he’s wrong.

Admit to Vices

Another way inauthenticity enters our lives is when we live in the shadows of what we’re afraid to admit we like to do.

While I don’t think it would be a good idea to openly tell your work associates that you enjoy being tied up and spanked like a baby, there are less socially damning vices that you shouldn’t be self-conscious about.

For instance, if you play a lot of video games, fess up about it with people, and never lecture others about similar hobbies. Or, if somebody asked you what you did on Sunday and you spent the day watching reruns of “Married With Children” in your underwear, don’t enthusiastically respond with “I exercised, read some Dostoyevsky, and made a few hundred dollars on the stock exchange” because you feel it’s the most sophisticated or appropriate response.

Instead, tell them the honest-to-God truth, or else you’re deceiving yourself.

Tell People What Bothers You

Your friend tracked some dirt into your house, right after you vacuumed, and it keeps coming back to the forefront of your thoughts. Do you A: conceal it and fester about it, B: yell at them, or C: point it out and ask them to be careful in the future?

“B” and “C” are appropriate responses, but obviously “B” is very reactive and socially uncouth. Nevertheless, hiding your intentions or feelings is another way that people act inauthentic, and so even being harsh is better than festering and saying nothing, otherwise known as conflict avoidance.

Of course, the best tactic is “C”, so grace your disapproval with adequate social skills, and be quick to point out your disappointment.

Avoid Bragging And Compliment Fishing

Bragging operates in the following way: bragger accomplishes a merited task, bragger wonders why there is a lack of recognition for the significant deed, bragger begins to fish for approval, bragger receives approval and feels momentarily satisfied, OR bragger receives apathy or annoyance, and responds with passive aggressive hostility.

The root cause of bragging is insecurity. Everybody wants to feel accepted or to gain recognition, and this is fine (and perhaps it’s one of those vices you should admit to), but the sense of insecurity can run deep into your bloodstream, requiring incessant approval of accomplishments. If this is you, immediately confront yourself about it.

One clever way to brag in an “authentic way” is to state your intentions by prefacing whatever you’re about to brag about with your desire to achieve social feedback, IE: “I’m whoring myself out for approval so here’s the really cool piece of art I made, if anybody wants to comment on it feel free”.

At least this way, you’re not masking your desire for approval.

When the Truth Hurts, Tell it Anyway

The easiest way to learn how to be honest is to state facts even at the risk of confrontation.

Obviously, white lies are necessary at certain points, and you should not forego this practice when it’s necessary. However, do you ever find yourself lying just to avoid minor confrontations about things? Examples: “Yeah, I paid the electric bill” “Yup, I changed the oil after I borrowed your car, just like you asked” “I’m on a diet now, I swear” “No, I don’t think you gained weight over the summer, at all” “It’s your baby”

(Joking about the last one, obviously).

The funny thing about being honest is that sometimes people get pissed off at first, but in the long run you earn their respect. As an experiment, I made a policy with my last girlfriend to “never lie”, which would mean doing unthinkable things like telling her if she gained some weight or needed to put on makeup. We fought a lot at first, but later on our relationship became extremely trustworthy (and remains so today, actually, even after we had to separate because of distance. I’m still the guy she can ask about anything in the world and receive honest answers).

Do What You Say, No Matter What

Everybody knows “that guy” who is all talk, and nothing to show for it. Sometimes it’s on big levels (“I’m starting a business and it’s going to soar!”) or micro levels (“I’m doing my laundry today, I swear!”) but either way, whatever they say just doesn’t get done, and their promises become as hollow as their pitiful results.

Don’t be that guy. The best way to avoid this behavior is avoid any type of promise you feel reservations about. In addition, complete tasks without the expectation of approval. To be the type of guy who shows versus tells is going to create massive success in your life.

In my worldly experience, places like Los Angeles and Las Vegas are filled with people who make entire careers out of empty promises, and quality people can’t stand them!

Avoid Routines and Gambits

The more your social life is held up by the crutches of routines and fake personalities, the more it will eventually suffer.

Many people who constitute the currently small reader-base of Developed Man are friends or acquaintances in the seduction community, and sometimes these people become accustomed to the idea of scripted material and lines to meet women.

Actual, popular guys don’t need to do this kind of stuff. Over time, those routines become affixed to your personality, and your presentation morphs into something as fake as a three dollar bill.

Avoid this.

Put Your Feelings on the Line

So, as I explained at the beginning of this article, I’ve learned the therapeutic nature of putting yourself “out there” versus covering up weaknesses or flaws. Obviously, it’s not a good idea to be constantly weeping around everybody, but from time-to-time you should just come clean with friends and family about what’s working in your life, and what isn’t.

You’ll find most people are sharing similar plights as you are. Whether it’s a lack of money, relationships, or the crushing weight of comparing your dreams versus short term necessity, the human experience is surprisingly familiar among all who participate in it, and there are a lot of people willing to help you along the way when you learn how to be honest with yourself.

What Do You Think?

I just finished installing a Facebook component of Developed Man, which means you should now be able to add notes directly from your FB page by scrolling down to the comments field. If you find this article interesting, feel free to share your thoughts. If you disagree with it, I’d also like to hear from you.

I launched this site less than 3 weeks ago now. It’s a slow process of building a community. If you’re one of this site’s ongoing readers, I ask you to please eek out these early stages as I find a rhythm that best works as this thing is built.

In the meantime, you can help it grow by joining the mailing list, which you can sign up through the form below.

Thanks for reading!

The Signs She’s Interested in You – The Ultimate Guide

signsshesinterested

There is a clear definition of failing at “game”, or not living up to the proper standards of a man. It does not involve getting laid X number of times, having the most beautiful girlfriend in your city, or other unattainable, outcome-dependent goals. Failure in this sense is allowing opportunities to pass you by; or to be socially oblivious to the signs she’s interested in you. This is something you can directly change for the positive, and if you don’t–you’re in trouble.

This is because failing in this area means losing the vast majority of opportunities with women, and probably even pissing a lot of girls off who are otherwise trying to get with you. In my life, there was a time when I was socially oblivious to the signals that girls sent to me. When I was 20 / 21, I remember a beautiful girl in my apartment complex with incredible eyes, always trying to invite me out to some type of campus outing. I never paid much attention to her because, of all things, I believed she wasn’t serious and I wasn’t worthy! This is because of years of brainwashed behavior and a lack of confidence.

Today, things are different. I can immediately pick up on signals, and I never let opportunities pass me by. The only time I ever felt like I’ve “failed” at game is back when I was stupid enough to ignore the signals of women, although even today sometimes I’ll still miss an opportunity and smack myself in the face for it after. It happens to everybody, so just don’t make it into an ongoing habit.

To prevent yourself from making these egregious mistakes, I’ve created a complete list of IOI’s (Indicators of Interest) that women may present at any time, plus some analysis—including how you should respond.

Indicator of Interest 1: Playing With Her Hair

There’s a bunch of evolutionary psychobabble about why girls do this; related to our primate ancestors who would comb themselves to show they are ready to be groomed by a male ape. Whether this is true or not, women tend to touch their hair while they talk to guys they like; and it may just be a result of a girl becoming self-conscious of her hair because she wants the guy to be attracted to her, and she subconsciously fixes her appearance. What to Do: Keep talking to her, because she likes you and is attracted at that moment. Take her hand in yours or touch her on the shoulder.

Indicator of Interest 2: Face Close to Yours

Here’s a clear signal a girl is turned on: her face is near yours, by even an inch closer than “normal”. If this occurs in a nightclub, it means she wants you to kiss her. What to Do: if it’s a club, then kiss her! If it’s on a date, then push it by drawing closer and figuring out where her comfort level is, and kiss her if she allows you to come into her airspace and there’s clear chemistry.

Indicator of Interest 3: She’s Talking to You

Yes, this is an IOI! If a girl is going out of her way to initiate conversation with you, it’s because she enjoys your company and is trying to get you stay around. What to Do: Keep the conversations going, and spike it with some fun or exciting topics related to love, sex and romance.

Indicator of Interest 4: She’s Touchy, Feely

This is when a girl runs up to you, hugs you, grabs your arm a lot, and so forth. This is an invitation. If you don’t respond to this with at least a bit of sexual intent, you may be hurdled into the friend zone vortex of death. What to Do: Respond to the touch: spin her around, pull her close to you, aim for close face-to-face proximity, and if she allows that, then kiss her.

Indicator of Interest 5: She Asks What You’re Doing Later

Sometimes a girl will ask this out of the blue, and as a socially unintelligent guy my thought used to be “Why is she asking this question?” and I’d respond with some dumb shit. In reality, she’s asking you this because she wants you to ask her out with you right then and there, or she wants to go home with you. What to Do: Assume she wants to hook up with you, so say “Well I’m going to chill at my place, I don’t have any problems if you come by after 8 I suppose.”

Indicator of Interest 6: Proximity

This is when a stranger walks up to you and stands close to you, even while she’s facing her friends and chatting with them. This is rarely unintentional. What to Do: Touch her shoulder, lean over and ask how her night is going, or introduce yourself.

Indicator of Interest 7: She Hands You Her Drink to Sip

Seen this one more than a few times, and it’s interesting: what she’s doing is breaking the “cootie barrier” and showing how she’s comfortable getting intimate with you. Don’t ignore it. What to Do: If it’s a sucker, lollipop or food, it means she wants to make out with you. If it’s a drink, it’s a bit more subtle, but I’d respond by putting my arm around her waist and keeping it there, escalating the physical sexual tension a bit, and eventually aim to kiss her. Also, keep sharing that drink back and forth!

Indicator of Interest 8: She Brightens Up When You Approach Her

As you approach multiple women in a venue: the ones who seem to “shut down” as you approach them will generally waste your time and remain icy to your company. But, sometimes you’ll meet a girl and her eyes will go wide and she’ll be really happy to meet you. This means various subliminal, psychic connections somehow made you guys a “match” and she immediately expressed it. What to Do: Do NOT sever the conversation. Push forward. This is her invite to talk to her.

Indicator of Interest 9: She’s Qualifying Herself

When a woman is “giving away her value” by trying to explain how she’s a good girlfriend, a good lover, a good person to date—then what she’s doing is expressing her interest to get romantically involved with you, and she views you as the selector—a high value male. What to Do: If you DO like her in return (and that’s a big “if”!) then express how you like the qualities she’s insecure about, and then—you guessed it, take things to the next level by escalating the touch and hopefully kissing her sooner than later.

Indicator of Interest 10: She Smiles at You

What motivation does a woman have to smile at a guy if it’s not because she’s attracted to him in some way? There is none! A smile is like a cry for help—she sees you, wants to initiate something, but doesn’t know how. What to Do: You could say “I like your smile, I’m X X, what’s your name?” or any other type of direct approach. In this case, you have to be aggressive, or else the smiling girl on the street will quickly pass you by. So be FAST!

In Closing

The important thing to remember is that you can’t force a woman to feel attracted to you and to begin expressing these signs she’s interested. The mistake a lot of men make is that they think they can “win” a girl by repeatedly beating the drum with “pickup techniques” until she starts to warm up. In reality, repeated studies have shown that women determine if they like you within seconds of meeting you. Only sometimes will they warm up after a date or after they have spent more time with you, but more often than not if there’s no signals at first, then there won’t be anything later on.

If at any point a girl begins showing these signs she’s interested in you, then do NOT make the mistakes I used to make—do not ignore them or second-guess them. Always act on them. Doing anything less would be betraying your own integrity.

Finally, keep in mind the best way in the world to meet women is to look for these signals as early as possible, and then stick with the girls who like you. Wasting your time with people who feel mediocre about your presence will not accomplish anything for anybody.