A Major Sticking Point: Male Insecurity

Male InsecurityThe sooner you can free yourself from the chains of male insecurity, the sooner you can begin to enjoy life without the nagging bondage that accompanies almost every action performed by an insecure man. This is the first article of the Developed Man project, and it’s the first important topic that every man should try to master.

Male insecurity comes in many flavors. The first common form is related to the opposite sex. A recent study by the Personal and Social Psychology Bulletin suggests that insecurities men develop about things like relationships, or the affection of the fairer sex, may lead toward sexist attitudes, resentment against women, and misogynistic beliefs. I don’t think there’s anything that can more quickly doom your chances of finding a good woman than turning into a negative asshole about relationships or adopting a “use and abuse” attitude toward women.

The second biggest factor I see – and have experienced personally – is the crushing peer pressure and self-loathing that men experience around other men. This is a fundamental part of being human, as women experience their own version of this. What many women do not know, and what many men are afraid to admit, is that we are often gravely concerned about things like: physical appearance, the degree of one’s masculinity, fearlessness, and material success such as job status or bank statements.

For me, this insecurity was very bad throughout my teens and into college. I had convinced myself of personal shortcomings, and spent a large degree of my life attempting to over-compensate for these perceived flaws in my character. I was gravely concerned about my height in relation to other men, the symmetrical nature of my face, my muscles, the amount of sexual partners I have had, my general attractiveness toward the opposite sex, whether I was a “nerd” or not, and so forth.

The Death Spiral of Insecurity

My male insecurity turned into a death spiral because each ‘flaw’ that I would obsess about led to over-compensating behavior. This type of behavior, however, made me appear sometimes stilted, fake, or – obviously – insecure. And thus, people would treat me in a negative way as a direct response to my insecurity. And, guess what? People’s negative reactions toward me created more insecurity, and thus led to more over-compensation!

In retrospect, I can understand why I felt this way back when I was 17 years-old. I had braces on top of some rather gnarly “Austin Powers” style teeth. I had only one girlfriend before and was practically still a virgin. My face would routinely break out in acne. And, to make matters worse, I was a country bumpkin who came into the world after way too much time devoted to a ranch out in the middle of the god-forsaken desert.

At that time, I didn’t even realize how badly insecure I was – because the behavior was ingrained into my personality. Now, as an adult, I look at other teenagers and I can immediately recognize how common this behavior is, and how many of them don’t even realize how afraid of everything they truly are.

The Insecurity Lingers

As one matures, most of these behaviors are supposed to go away. However, I suspect that for many men, certain insecurities last a very, very long time. It’s just that as we age, these insecurities ‘ripen’, and are sometimes expressed in more subdued ways. You’d be amazed to learn how many people commit their entire life’s work and success to a semi-conscious desire to make women like them more or to regain popularity from high school.

The degree to which a man’s gender-specific insecurities linger in their mind is directly proportional to their level of maturity, development as a man, and their ability to be a true leader and actually represent the masculine principles that they desire to uphold.

It’s Not Hard to be a ‘Real Man’

For myself, and I imagine many others, insecurities commonly relate to masculinity, and socio-cultural definitions of what it means to ‘be a man’ – and whether or not one has achieved that status yet.

Perhaps one can be wrapped up by the insecurity that a ‘real man’ drives a nicer car, has more money, or has slept with more women. This sends a guy on a lifelong quest to fulfill certain criteria to become self-accepted before giving permission to move on to the next level in his life.

But, to paraphrase the Wizard of Oz, one always had the power all along to go back to Kansas without even realizing it. It’s possible to throw away insecurities at any point in time, and begin to lead a life of truly ‘being a man’ without that tendency to second guess whether one is worthy to hold such a title or not.

Likewise, this also relates to insecurities about the opposite sex. If you don’t want to develop the misogynistic tendencies outlined by the study I cited at the beginning of this article, then it’s time to begin the gradual process of not caring about the degree to which women like you, or how frequently you get laid.

Because if you obsess about this stuff all of the time, it’s going to warp your mind, and you’ll start to objectify women in a way that will further hinder your chances of actually getting more girls in your life.

It’s time to start letting go of stuff.

The more you let go, the more you’ll begin to feel like how you’re ‘supposed’ to be without all of the anxieties clogging up your mental arteries.

And yes, this involves a good deal of accepting one’s weaknesses, and rocking out and owning those weird flaws you have. Some elements of your personality are NOT going away, and remaining insecure about them is a battle you CANNOT win.

There’s a lot more to talk about in regard to this topic, and it’s going to be a reoccurring theme around here in both my products and articles. The more quickly you begin fending off male insecurities, the quicker you’ll start to lead the awesome lifestyle you desire.


  1. John Lambert says:

    Correct me if I am wrong but this article seems to contradict what you (or who ever else you have writing for you) say on this website in the other articles.

    I’m not saying its good for someone to be super insecure and such but I would think having a “good” amount of insecurity/dissatisfaction is key to even wanting to improve one’s self in the first place by working out and even following the advice of articles like this. Otherwise, if one is just suppose to let it all go, what would even be their key motivator for wanting to pick up some weights or work on girl impressing social skills?

    If you are not suppose to try and impress or do anything to be more aesthetically pleasing, I don’t see my self having much of a reason to improve because what the article says to me is apparently how I am right now I should just stay that way no matter how dissatisfied I am or how much I think with a few tweaks I can make things better.

    I don’t think having career interests that are subconsciously (or even consciously) linked to trying to gain more popularity or girls is necessarily a bad thing, especially if one actually enjoy doing those things. Are you saying that one should not strive to be something special, even if they honestly feel it is with in their reach because all it will do is warp their mind?

    I will admit, I have been recently interested in working out and developing myself as a music artist mainly for attracting the opposite sex. I like the idea of being bigger than my skinny self that I was throughout highschool and I like being able to perform for an audience but do I really have to give all that up since I am doing it for the “wrong reasons” according to you?

    What if one feels they are actually really good with music and like doing it? What if one feels that there are things with their body they can easily improve with some discipline?

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