Wow, this is a big topic. But, it’s a cornerstone of self-development. Many fields have a “hard problem” to contend with. Medical science, for instance, sees consciousness as a “hard problem” because it’s extremely hard to reduce sentient awareness based on brain function.
Another “hard problem” is gravity, as nobody fully understands the multidimensional ways that gravity functions. In the field of self-development, self-help, dating science, and attraction research, I view the “hard problem” as figuring out how to be authentic while changing aspects of one’s personality.
Really, this is what a lot of people desire. We often have visions in our minds of who we want to be, and when we look in the mirror, our expectations don’t really add up to reality. The truth is, it’s very hard to change one’s personality characteristics. Yet, it CAN happen. People all the time shock their friends and family with new versions of themselves.
One case in point:
Who is this guy? That’s none other than Ryan Seacrest, the TV show anchor, radio-host mega-millionaire person. I don’t actually know much about him except that he’s hosted some reality shows. That, and he’s changed a LOT since high-school.
To be fair, he’s probably had some plastic surgery done, but wow. That’s a big difference.
So how do people change, for the positive, on the inside AND the outside? How can you absolutely turn from geek to sheikh, with little or no resemblance of your past incarnation? There’s a number of possible ways that I can figure.
The first involves a basic diet of self-awareness, shaking off lesser emotions like fear and anxiety that might be overwhelming your mind. As you become more relaxed and carefree, most (if not all) of the positive personality traits that you want will naturally rise to the surface.
The second includes perfecting your own physical appearance. Obviously going to the gym a lot is a big deal, as is losing weight. Other big points include getting Lasik eye-surgery to lose the spectacles if they don’t look right on you. Cosmetic dentistry, new grooming techniques, and improved body posture are also surefire ways to enhance yourself.
A third way how changes may occur is through affirmations. Or, more accurately, incantations (check out what Tony Robbins says about this), as well as positive feedback loops and other ways to train your mind in a specific direction (I talk about this more in my e-book).
For instance, I’ve successfully generated sexual confidence through visualization and convincing myself that I’m the “sexiest man alive” (an enormous lie FYI). Other sexual characteristics can be enhanced through mental training, as well. This is quite helpful if you’re coming from a position of zero experience. For instance, it’s hard to have sexual confidence if you’re a virgin, and it’s this lack of confidence that keeps a virgin from finding a partner, which is an unpleasant Catch-22 situation. Short of paying for sex (which I don’t suggest), the only way to cure it is to hijack your thought processes manually.
A fourth way is through changing your style, or your “male archetype”. If you’re trying to create edginess, then you have to refine the way you look, the way you dress, and sometimes even the way you talk. This is where a good image coach can help you, and the trick is to brand yourself in a consistent way that feels credible to you, but sends a message to the people around you. This may include styles from punk-rock to a well-groomed G with a velvet suit.
The style overhaul is the most immediate way to “change”, but unless there’s something internal going on, you won’t be authentic. What happens if you’re not authentic? Then people sense you’re incongruent because your style and behavior doesn’t match what’s on the inside. This can confuse some people and even sabotage your social efforts. You’ll get called a “poser”, or someone might say “Those nice clothes wear him, not the other way around.”
Just to be sure that the changes are internalized and this doesn’t happen, there’s a fifth way to change internally; and it’s through personal experience. People radically transform by doing this, especially between the ages of 18-24. During this period, you’re finishing high-school, overcoming peer pressure, moving out of the parent’s place, doing what you want, possibly getting into college or a career, and so forth. This is what makes the 17 year-old self and 24 year-old self unrecognizable to each other.
The reason people tend to stop changing is because they hit a comfort-zone, and they stay inside that safe harbor the rest of their lives. What you need to do is step outside of this cocoon, and start challenging yourself again. What I always recommend is what I call the “Solo Quest”, which means to travel by yourself with a backpack, check out youth hostels in Europe, do whatever it takes. Another great way to get outside your comfort zone is through doing pickup stuff. This is why I don’t completely dismiss the PUA movement and I find benefit in going out and approaching a lot of women, because it’s a fast-track to personal growth and change.
In Summary
So, it seems there’s multiple ways to tackle the “hard problem” of how to be authentic, but no specific course of action has yet been proven as the most effective way to change. In addition, we still don’t know how to specifically transform our archetype, from say a geeky guy into a sexy, suave Don Juan, while remaining true to ourselves.
Although we don’t have a formula for this, it can still happen. My best guess is practice the exercises listed on this article, and stay determined. If you really, really want to create a certain type of personality archetype, then part of that style must resonate with you, making it authentic in someway. Study examples of the types of people that you want to echo the demeanor of, and then push yourself towards it.
In upcoming articles, I’m going to discuss more specific characteristics of sexy guys, in particular mysteriousness, edginess, indifference, playfulness, and some other qualities. Keep this article in mind, because it’s important to know how to be authentic before you try to adapt any type of foreign personality trait.
