In my experience, everything from the fear of intimacy to long-term dry spells can be attributed to the fear of the breakup process. While the best way to avoid a nasty breakup is the preemptive approach by honestly communicating long-term goals, and never lead a person on—inevitably, the situation may still occur when you have to “cut ties” for a while.
Reframe Your Relationship as a Self-Development Process
A powerful, positive strategy for helping a relationship wind to an end is by reframing it as an experience for personal growth on both sides. To do this, the first thing you are going to do is begin a process of changing the dynamic of your relationship.
A dynamic is the way that you interact with somebody, and it can be very subtle. One example of a dynamic is a woman is very attracted to a man, but the man feels indifferent and does not show interest back to her.
Another example could be two people are emotionally co-dependent, do everything together, and feel lost or unable to make decisions without each other.
A third example could be a boss is extremely overpowering to an employee, who acts timid and is afraid to speak up for him or herself.
There’s as many dynamics as there are people in the world. Everybody has a certain type of relationship to one another. Although it can be difficult to verbalize what it is; you have a unique relationship to your lover.
And, it is possible to change such a dynamic. Often, when this happens, it’s not very subtle, and it can be felt that there’s something “different”. For instance, when the timid employee suddenly becomes as emotionally strong as his boss. The relationship immediately changes.
The dynamic your relationship must change to is the following: that two people are improving each other’s lives to see that they live up to their full potential.
This is the most powerful dynamic to use as you begin to transition out of the relationship. The essence of this dynamic is that you care about his or her well-being and future goals. You are prioritizing seeing your partner grow as a person and enhancing his or her life, and you want to empower your partner to become a more powerful, refined version of him or herself.
To me, this is the best way to express a devotion to somebody that extends beyond whether you are technically together as a couple or not. And, it’s a dynamic you can maintain even after the breakup is over.
How to Create the Dynamic
Take your partner aside for a “talk”, and begin discussing his or her long-term goals in life. Whether its business plans that have been on the back-burner, or any other ambition.
Help your partner realize both their strength and weaknesses. Assist your partner to think of the “big picture” of his or her life. What you’re doing is attempting to empower his or her individuality again, in a way that is healthy and separate from yourself, and the relationship.
Undoubtedly, they will sense something is “up”. This is actually good. You shouldn’t try to deny it or shrug it off. Just explain that times are changing.
The reason this dynamic is important, is because it shows that you care. You will keep this dynamic permanently; and it will hopefully lessen—or eliminate—the feeling of devaluation that we are trying to prevent your partner from experiencing after you break up with him or her.
Begin to Forgive All Prior Wrongs
Next, understand there is no reason to carry around excess baggage after the relationship ends. It’s important to make amends with all problems right now, while the two of you are still together.
What we’re trying to do is minimize the pain of the breakup process. Holding on to resentments means they will carry through after the relationship ends.
Likely, your relationship is already “on the rocks”, hence how it has gotten to this point. However, whatever reasons have led things to the point of finishing it are not good reasons to maintain grudges or hostilities.
You need to begin forgiving and making amends with your partner. This could just be something you do by yourself, letting go of past negative experiences and releasing attachment. Or, you could literally have a conversation with your partner where you forgive him or her for past wrongdoings and mistakes.
