There’s a huge misconception about socialization, non-verbal communication, and the attraction process. Since people first started analyzing the skill of interaction as an art or science, using concepts like neuro-linguistic programming and evolutionary psychology, there’s seemingly always been a camp of people who believe “what” you say is just as important as “how” you say it.
Well, this is not true.
I applaud people who put time and effort into developing their social skills, and especially men who understand that it’s in their best interest to become more charming. However, over the years I’ve bared witness to what I can only describe as complete train wrecks when guys think it’s possible to memorize and rehearse lines like some type of expert actor – and somehow achieve success.
To say these guys come across as stilted and fake is an understatement.
(Don’t get me wrong, actors have always impressed me for their ability to add emotion to scripted material, but this takes years of training, and if you’re just trying to meet a few girls, this would be a very long detour).
The reason this is a danger is because it poses the risk of turning an otherwise charming, charismatic man into somebody who is called “fake”. This phenomenon can arise simply by a guy pre-rehearsing what he’s going to say, before he says it.
There is only a mild difference between an authentic, charming man and somebody who people feel ever-so slightly edgy around. The rehearsing guy is always trying to think one-step ahead to say the perfect thing in order to “get” the best possible outcome. But, this very act of excessive self-awareness immediately projects an uncomfortable, non-harmonious feeling.
So, this is a big mistake!
The Alternative
Instead of rehearsing what you want to say, instead think about what emotions you’re feeling. I’ve discovered that this tip actually rectifies 90% of non verbal communication problems. The reason is because our body language and demeanor usually matches what we’re thinking.
Think about it this way, through neural wiring our entire body is plugged into our thoughts. Thoughts are not always literal manifestations in a verbal language, with a little thought balloon hovering over our heads with the sentence we’re thinking about. Thoughts are typically a pastiche of different feelings, ideas, concepts, and desires The nature of those feelings will determine what you’re really communicating.
For an example, if a crazy person is thinking non-stop about shooting everybody in the room, no matter what he says it’s going to be interpreted as creepy or unsettling, because his thoughts are manipulating his non verbal cues even in a very tiny way that people can “feel”. This ability that we have is very likely an ancient survival mechanism, as it’s this intuition that enables us to identify a potential predator even if they’re not showing any literal manifestations of their desire to hurt us.
Body Language is Different
Your body language does play a part in non verbal communication, as well – but the two concepts are not quite the same. For instance, if the crazy person I mentioned above has perfect posture and knows just the right distance between himself and the person he’s talking to, he’s still going to seem creepy as fuck because his thoughts are originating from a dark place.
On the other hand, a guy with a hunch and who averts eye contact may experience more success than a regular dude if his non verbal communication, thoughts and emotions are expertly tuned. A woman might actually look past some of these outward flaws if she experiences a good feeling from him.
Of course, this does not mean one should supplant good body language. The guy with the hunch and poor eye contact would have to be one CHARMING mofo to compensate. Body language is definitely one part of the whole.
As For Meeting Girls
To create better non verbal cues around women, I would suggest focusing on some of the following feelings, thoughts and emotions:
- Making the woman happier / just trying to make her day more positive.
- Indifference: ie: not caring about her reactions toward your presence.
- Equality: or not groveling because she’s pretty, or desiring her approval.
- Sexuality: that you believe you’re attractive, you believe she is attracted to you, but you don’t have to try or prove anything to make this happen.
- Positivity: not being in a bad mood, feeling resentful about something, or overall having any emotions that will lower the mood.
These mindsets are always the most important thing to consider. The only caveat is that it takes practice and resources to learn to maintain the proper attitudes that attract versus repel women.
So the next time that you go out of the house, put aside your cheat sheet of pickup lines. Focus all of your energy into developing the proper attitude, and then see what happens when you just say completely normal stuff like “Hey, what’s up?”. With the right thoughts, your non verbal communication signals will transform even the most simplistic words into a dynamic interaction.
