Obvious Dating Mistakes You’re Probably Still Making

dating mistakes

The funny thing about learning how to succeed with the ladies is that our memory recognition is extremely bad. My theory is that it relates to left-brain, right-brain relations. Logically, when we hear good dating advice, our left-brain processes it and it sounds like a great idea. However, once our emotional right-brain takes over, all that important information just seems to disappear. This is why when you’re pissed off or horny, you start saying and doing stupid shit.

So, in honor of our unreliable right-hemisphere, let’s go over some of the dating mistakes you’re probably still committing despite your best effort to eradicate them.

Messaging or Calling Too Much: Thinking about a girl you just met? Did you succumb to your temptation to message her on Facebook with something like”Hello Susan! It was nice talking to you the other day!”? Are you wondering why she’s not responding to you? Because she just put you in the “needy” pile. That’s all it takes–one unwarranted message–and you’re finished. You’re better off not pursuing like this, at all. The only exception is if she’s already crazy about you, then unexpected messages on social media or voice-mails might be OK, but it’s very easy to push it too far.

Proceeding Forward Despite Clear Warning Signs to Stop: Hornyness and desperation are the most common culprits of this dating mistake. If a girl becomes the “psycho girlfriend” meme two hours after meeting her; it’s really best to not keep fanning that flame, (unless you are into psychotic women, which is another issue).

Bringing Up Exes or Other Forbidden Topics: There’s a lot of stuff that you have to remember to just not talk about. Awkward conversational topics can destroy the attraction, especially topics that are brought up too soon. Aside from exes, don’t babble about your job or other boring facts of yourself. Just let her experience your personality.

Not Taking Anything Physical: While it might be a bit intimidating to make that first move and go in for a kiss (and hopefully more), not giving this a shot is a huge dating mistake. Without breaching that barrier, you’re on a one-way train to friend-zone. If she does reject you for kissing her, just brush it off and move onward.

Setting Up a Boring Date: If you decide to go “traditional” and ask her to go to dinner with you, there better be a LOT of chemistry already happening beforehand (which means she’ll be happy no matter WHAT you do with her). Otherwise, expect a lot of chewing and not much interacting. Look for any fun activity with her, even miniature golf is a better bet than going to dinner.

Staking Too Much on Her: Desperation is one of those hidden vices that you won’t even realize is happening. Nonetheless, be careful of putting too much importance on any bird you’re seeing. A lot of times, it doesn’t last that long, so enjoy it while it does–and for goodness sake, don’t act creepy.

Getting Back into the Game: Dating Tips for Men

datingI’m convinced “game” is good for men. When people spend long hiatuses, whether from dry spells due to a work schedule, or a failed relationship that leaves one feeling depressed and unmotivated, then guys experience a lot of bad effects. They become less youthful, less invigorated, and their libido is often wasted on pornography or it simply becomes an unused commodity. I think it leads to bad health, a lack of vigor, and premature aging. In addition, a guy will often need to be “rebooted” and need a fresh course of dating tips for men to get back into the swing of things.

Like most guys, I know what this is like all too well. There is a saying about how people in their late 20s are suddenly far less excited about going out and meeting people, and I think this is mostly because by around age 26 or 27, most have had their share of clubbing and feel “over it”. However, this feeling of apathy is actually related to the ending of one’s first or second serious relationship, and then entering into a kind of funk or depression that sometimes never goes away. For me, combinations of this and heavy workloads have spelled long periods of not doing anything remotely exciting or social.

Of course, I became motivated to be a dating coach because I can recognize these symptoms, and part of the joy of life is overcoming challenges. “Returning to game” is almost periodical for me, coming in waves, with my game often offset by either entering (and ending) a new relationship, or becoming bogged down by work and non-meeting-girls-related-stuff. (In addition, I sometimes find myself just trying to save money by not buying gin and tonics and paying huge cover fees 5 nights a week).

It’s true, however, that some guys are social superheroes–the expert “pickup artists” who go out steady 7 nights a week for years to become the masters of their trade. These guys are a peculiar but amazing oddity, and I don’t really think this extreme is healthy, either. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s bad to party every single bloody night. There has to be some balance, folks. (Not that I don’t admire these people in an odd way!)

That being said, finding such balance involves pulling yourself OUT OF said dry spells and getting back into the game without allowing a slow period to consume your life and turn you into an aging, depressing, boring old dude. Here’s some tips:

Plan Your Schedule: Here’s a good time to evaluate your schedule. Something I always recommend considering the possibility you are working too much, and evaluating if you even have any free time anymore. If not, it’s time to balance some shit out in your life. If you have to work two jobs to keep up huge car payments, I’m afraid to say it might be time to trade that Lexus in (image is nothing). I really don’t think people should work more than 40 hours a week. If you go past this, you won’t have enough energy to go out and do stuff you WANT to do, like getting back into the game.

Start Jogging or Going to the Gym versus Staying Home: Examine your “me time” and figure out what you’re spending your time doing. Odds are, it involves X-Box Live and / or Game of Thrones on Netflix–a habit I actually highly support (the creative arts and fantasy worlds inspire the human soul to greater potential), but now is not the time for couch-melding. Do anything to get yourself OUT of the house with your blood circulating. This is going to increase your mood, your fitness level, and put you in the emotional state to start meeting people again.

Go Out Alone: (This reminds me to write a post about going out alone) — Now it’s time to get back into the habit of going out, and doing it often. Force yourself out of the house, don’t rely on scheduling with your equally boring friends, and start meeting people. Bars and nightclubs is Plan A, but start mass-joining Meetup.com groups, as well. Your point is to make friends, that’s the best path to meeting girls, as well.

Work Rooms: On the same note, when you do go clubbing, learn to “work rooms”, meeting as many people as you can, shaking hands, and doing what some call “being the mayor”. This is the best way to start meeting and networking without dealing with the high pressure nature of doing “pickup”. Meet everybody, don’t discriminate, and see if new friends will introduce you to ladies. It will happen eventually!

There you have it, these are the big dating tips for men who are getting back into the game again. At least, this covers the “meeting girls” part. A lot more can be spoken of once you’re seeing someone steady again, but I’ll save that for another article ;-) till next time.

Sexual Virtues: Apathy

Think about the people you know who are very successful with women, and I’ll bet they all have at least one trait in common: they are indifferent and otherwise unaffected by the women they meet. In addition, they are not emotionally invested in situations or outcomes of most varieties. These are all traits of apathy, which is a key component of success in many areas of your life.

To understand the importance of apathy, consider the power dynamic of any given situation: whether a relationship or a business deal, the person who is willing to walk away has the power. This is a constant. A salesperson has the power when a customer wants to buy something, but the salesperson has a limited supply. The customer has the power when the salesperson wants money, but the customer doesn’t need the product.

When a man wants to have sex with a woman, or otherwise gain her attention or approval, then the woman is the selector, and she has all of the power in that relationship. She may continue to have power throughout the entire course of their relationship, which is rather unhealthy for the man who must continually try to keep her appeased lest he is dumped.

What Apathy is Not

Apathy is not being an emotionless shell, nor is it nihilism. We may call apathetic people “cool”, “carefree”, or “laid back”. Not caring about something is actually the choice of not putting emotional investment into something because you’re aware of the physical and psychic toll that wanting, desire, and neediness can create.

Apathy: the Secret Ingredient of Charm

Even dying a horrible death in outer space can be cool when you don't care.

Even dying a horrible death in outer space can be cool when you don’t care.

I’ve seen a lot of curricula from charm schools, PUA academies, seduction courses, and so forth, and I’m disappointed that I rarely notice such men’s interest groups teaching apathy as a primary source of charm and charisma.

Who’s a really charming guy? Many say “George Clooney” because that’s his stereotype, and it’s true—hell, he’s even charming in “Gravity” where he just floats around space a lot. But what makes him charming? He has a strong gravity (no pun intended) that pulls people toward him. He demands nothing from anybody.

If George Clooney suddenly “wanted” or “needed”: affection, approval, attention, or money, he would no longer have the Clooney-vibe that makes everybody love him. In “Gravity” his character demonstrated this confidence by remaining unaffected to a level that borders absurdity as his team is caught in a field of killer space debris.

By not wanting things, people will feel you are more level-headed than most, and people will feel automatically more comfortable to be around you. By contrast, people who demand things from others, whether material or psychic, are not trustworthy—they always have some trick up their sleeves to siphon energy like a vampire.

As this tendency is eliminated, charm automatically enhances, and people will even think of you as more authentic.

How to be More Apathetic

You have to start by releasing attachment to the outcome of things. Create mental insurance on every aspect of your life: no job? Have an independent income backup plan. No women? Be happy by yourself and stop trying to get sex to be happy. Broke? Try sleeping in your car for a couple of nights to prove you can do it if things get extreme.

The more you know you’ve covered your bases, the easier it is to start caring less and less about the things that normally scare people. So, in a sense, rugged individualism as we call it in America is a key to becoming more indifferent about your circumstances.

Furthermore, the thing most people emotionally depend on is relations to, and attention from, other people. The only way to bypass this is through being happy in your own shoes. Self-acceptance is not an overnight achievement, but as you press toward this goal, it becomes easier and easier to talk to people, take risks, and handle conflict.

It’s one of those things where you’ll only know you have it once you get there. Measure your success in years, not days. Are you more comfortable with yourself now than when you were in high school?

You know you are getting closer to this when insults are less intimidating, other people are no longer taken seriously, and you dwell less on the things people say to you. Furthermore, when attention from a woman—no matter how gorgeous she is—no longer means anything beyond the 5 or 6 seconds you’re enjoying it.

In Summary

Apathy is thus a major sexual virtue. The opposite of apathy is empathy, which is good—we should all care about each other—but empathy can also turn into reactiveness or neediness if it’s left unchecked, and no woman in history has ever said “he’s so reactive and not cool about things, gosh, I want to sleep with him so badly!”.

Finally, apathy is the key to having the power in any type of interaction. If you give your power away easily, you’ll always be at the mercy of other people. If you want to be a Developed Man, you cannot remain weak like this.