The 6 Types of Oneitis

oneitis Maybe you have heard the term “Oneitis” before. This is the natural tendency to get caught up on one girl.

It obviously affects both sexes, as well. I was with a girl recently who described her mind as being completely invaded by a bad experience with a guy she was starting to date. “He started flirting with all of these other girls in the club in-front of me, while ignoring me the whole night. He did it to make me jealous and think about him. It worked. I deleted his number, but now I’m obsessed about him. Somebody shoot me.”

Oneitis, in all it’s forms, exists because of premature feelings for someone, or more rarely (as in the case with the girl) because somebody is manipulating your feelings.

It is not something to be shameful of, because it’s natural to become attached to personalities. If we can feel attached to a character on a television show, we can feel attached to somebody we just met in real life. However, most of the time this behavior needs to be nipped in the bud early. Here are six ways that it manifests:

You Went on 1 or 2 Dates, Then She Disappeared

 
This is the hardest form of oneitis. The reason is because maybe something was actually sparked, but suddenly she’s not responding to your texts or calls. Now you have placed heavy emphasis on a budding relationship, and you sense the crushing feeling that it will lead to nothing.

This type of oneitis results in stalkerish phone-calls, texts, and e-mails trying to get her attention, typically to no avail. Some of this is the fault of the woman who prefers to be passive instead of straightforward. The man is left wondering what he did wrong, but in most cases she simply feels that dating you is a bad idea; maybe for personal reasons (there’s another man in her life), or for practical reasons (no time to enter a relationship).

What to Do: Don’t contact her ever again. It’s fine to send one message, voice mail or text to a girl. It’s up to her to keep the line from going dead. If you think to yourself “Maybe my last e-mail didn’t go through”, you’re deceiving yourself. Trust me, she knows. If you keep contacting her, when you finally do hear back from her, it will not be a very nice message.

You have a girlfriend, then you break up with her – and you cannot get your mind off her.

 
This is the oldest feeling in the world. Every guy experiences this. Again, perfectly natural, but not a productive attitude to foster.

What to Do: You were together with her, and you feel hurt because it ended. Bugging or contacting her incessantly will obviously do nothing to mend the situation; and even if it did mend, you’d be back to dating someone you probably shouldn’t. Every time you feel an urge to call or text, start doing something else; I normally don’t condone playing time-sucking video games, but if booting up World of Warcraft gets your mind off her, then do it.

You Are Currently Dating Her

 
This is a more insidious form of oneitis, because generally somebody you are seeing deserves your sole attention, right? That’s what dating is all about, isn’t it?

The answer is actually “no”. In truth, she has multiple men she’s courting. That’s just the reality of 21st century dating, unless you’re in some conservative, rural community. If you’re living in a city, and the girl is halfway attractive, then she has options. If you don’t have options too, then sadly you have lost power in that relationship.

I don’t like that dating even has to include the term “power”, but the reality of the situation is that when she knows she can walk away from you, and be immediately emotionally gratified by a host of other men who desire her, then she has very little at stake with you.

What to Do: If you find yourself thinking about the girl 24 / 7, I encourage you to at least contact some female friends; or that one girl who you know has a crush on you on your Facebook feed. Remind yourself that women are not a scarce commodity in your life. Few men actually cultivate other women in their radius, which is not good. Instead, it’s best to match what she is also undoubtedly doing.

Obviously, don’t cheat – but at least you’ll know there’s plenty of options if things don’t work out with her. You’ll be less attached to that relationship, and it will even improve the relationship.

You Don’t Know Her and She Rejected You

 
One time a woman in a club looked me square in the eyes and said: “You are a creep, get the fuck away from me”. Her words echoed in my head for over a month; am I really a creepy? How could I have fallen so far in my life? Depression actually ensued because of this (I was pretty young at the time).

I saw her again 3 months later in the same venue. She did not remember me, obviously; she approached me at the bar and started hitting on me. For whatever reason, she was in hyper-bitch mode that night, but it was no reflection of reality, or else she would not have found me attractive after seeing me again (no, I did not get revenge on her, despite the temptation).

The moral lesson is that I had developed an acute form of oneitis over her; obsessing about her words and how they reflected my identity as a man. Because she was attractive physically, I placed unnecessary importance on her, putting value on her bullshit.

What to Do: Learn more about the nature of rejection and how it has no reflection on who you really are. if you really are pushy / needy / creepy, work on yourself more, or read a book to straighten out your inner game.

She’s Your Friend and You Crush On Her

 
Now we’re getting into genuine unhealthy, poor behavior. It’s fine to have female friends, it’s even OK to have female friends you are attracted to, but as soon as you begin THINKING about her constantly, you’re in trouble. There’s no reason to do this, it will destroy your friendship with her, and it will not increase your odds of dating her someday.

What to Do: Re-evaluate what you’re doing with your life. Ask yourself why you are coming from a position of scarcity. Change your thoughts to an inner frame of reference; take a look at your job, your lifestyle, what you do on Friday nights. Figure out what needs improvement, so you can draw value from more important things.

You Don’t Know Her, She Works at Starbucks

 
On a gradient scale, this is the unhealthiest form of oneitis. It’s the precursor to actual stalker behavior. It is when a man becomes obsessed with a woman he doesn’t even know.

Strangely, Hollywood says this behavior is fine, and it could even be the plot line for a romantic comedy. In real life, it’s not so funny. It’s fine to be attracted to some waitress you like, but unless you talk to her and try to act on it, those thoughts you are festering will become toxic, bad behavior.

What to Do: Do not go to the venue where she works anymore. There is no reason to put any woman on a pedestal, at anytime – so why do it to a stranger? You must evaluate the core reasons behind your behavior, as it’s likely due to a scarcity of women in your life, and a sense of inferiority.

You may also be suffering from delusions of grandeur, imagining your life with someone you don’t know so that you fulfill some empty void in your heart. Instead of filling that void with fantasy, fill it with personal love and appreciation for yourself.

In Summary

 
Oneitis is always the result of a feeling of scarcity. We become attached to one person, and forget that other people in the world exist. In the event that someone really is special to us (and is not some girl at Applebees you are stalking), then it’s not necessary to forget someone; but it IS necessary to seek experiences with other humans, to realize that no matter how special one person was, there are millions of other special people in the world, as well.

How to Develop From a Pickup Artist to a Real Seducer

pickup artist

(The following is a guest post by Sebastian at Global Seducers).

What do you think when you hear the expressions Pickup Artist and Seducer? You probably think that both of these expressions describe men who approach women on a regular basis, who have many dates and who end up in bed with a lot of beautiful women.

This is not exactly the case for all self-proclaimed PUAs or wannabe Casanovas. However, one thing the successful pickup artists and seducers in this world do have in common is that they have exciting dating lives.

However, claiming that both of those types of men have the same beliefs, act the same way around women and have the same lifestyle would be a huge mistake. The inexperienced eye might see the same guy, but the context they act in is completely different.

Besides the fact that he approaches women and has sex from time to time, a real seducer has nothing in common with a pickup artist in the traditional sense. Both of those men made a choice that couldn’t be more different.

It is most likely that the real seducer started his path by being a pickup artist, until he reached the next level of consciousness and decided to improve himself and his life. I truly hope to inspire all the self-proclaimed PUAs out there to get ready for the next level of their development.

The Fake Persona vs. the Real Man

In the title of the article I already gave you a hint that reveals one of the main differences between both of those men. By talking about a real seducer I also mean that such a man behaves real. Every successful seducer knows that the key to success with women and to a high self-esteem that you need in order to be successful with women, is realness.

A real seducer who is at peace with himself and who knows his values won’t have any problem to be 100% authentic around women and to only say what he truly thinks. Honesty and authenticity are not values that the typical PUA adheres to.

Instead of being honest and authentic, a pickup artist is all about maintaining a façade. He might do this by dressing up, by trying to demonstrate higher value through fictional stories, or by using memorized pickup lines in order to avoid expressing his real feelings.

Unless the PUA develops into an actual seducer, he will always stay within this fake persona and as a result of this he will attract the type of girls who fall for this. This is definitely not the best way to find a girl who is truly interested in his real self.

Leave Your Ego at the Door

I came into contact with the Pick Up community in the same way as everyone else did. I googled “how to pick up girls” and ended up browsing through forums in which men bragged about having slept with a certain number of girls while they were ranking the physical appearance of the women with a scale from 1 to 10.

Back then I didn’t know how obstructive this behavior was. After I left the concept of PUA behind me and developed to a real seducer, I realized how ego driven this whole concept was. Instead of helping other men those guys were only interested in making other men believe that they are the kings. I guess that maybe 10% of all the guys who write in those forums actually experience what they write about.

Today I am glad that I took another path. I wanted to develop to a man who is not driven by his ego. I was determined to destroy my ego with the most challenging and awkward exercises that you can think of (thanks Sasha Daygame).

I was also determined to share what I have learned and to help other men who struggle with women. If my behavior would still be ego driven, I would have allowed myself to share my success stories, but I would have never allowed myself to share my failures and my struggles.

A real seducer doesn’t care about his ego. He wants to seduce women, no matter what other people think of him. He doesn’t tell his friends the names of the girls he slept with and he also doesn’t rate them with a scale from 1 to 10. For him, all the women he slept with are beautiful.

Design Your Lifestyle

Like every guy who comes in contact with the PUA community, I began to approach girls, and once I overcame my approach anxiety – I did it excessively and I invested all my time and energy into approaching women.

Nowadays I am thankful that I did this back then, because it was necessary to integrate approaching women as a habit into my life. However, I am also thankful that I continued to work on myself and that I realized that life consists of more than approaching girls.

Most Pick Up Artists have the problem that they dedicate their life to one certain aspect of the seduction process and neglect all the other parts. They approach as many women as possible in order to sleep with a lot of girls they can write about on their favorite forum.

If you want to reach the next level and become a real seducer, you have to understand that success in life and especially success with women consists of more than approaching girls. A real seducer knows that knowledge about the art of seduction, learning all the subtleties for the process of seducing a woman and mastering the other aspects of your life are all essential components for a fulfilled life as a real seducer.

Why Chemistry is Not Sexual Attraction

sexual attraction

Many people, especially women, mistake chemistry for sexual attraction. Have you ever had a woman say to you, “We just don’t have chemistry together, sorry”? Continue Reading

The Truth About What Women Want (It’s Wladimir Klitschko)

Wladimir Klitschko

Wladimir Klitschko is a Ukrainian boxer who looks like a villain in a 90s Steven Segal action flick. There’s a lot of buzz about him lately because he recently spawned a baby with beautiful actress Hayden Panettiere.

I found myself reading this headline and wondering how often we see highest status females, like Hayden, going out with computer geeks, feminine men, and pasty spectacle-wearing writers and journalists.

It never happens. Those women with absolute freedom of choice typically look for the men who are built like horses (probably in more ways than one), are primal warriors and leaders, and who are perfect examples of raw masculinity. This is what the majority of women want, and to believe otherwise you are delusional.

And, in today’s sexual climate, the standard of alpha masculinity further divides sex worthy males from the not-so sex worthy.

How the Sexual Marketplace Works

 
There is no doubt that 90% of women lust after 10% of men.

If you think this is a bum deal for men, understand that in some way it’s also shitty for the ladies. As they enter this mindset, they try desperately to snatch up men who are typically unavailable (or extreme players). Women, perhaps because it’s hardwired into them or it’s the result of cultural peer expectations, would rather be single than settle for anything less than what they feel they’re entitled to.

As a result, you’ll find many beautiful-to-moderately-attractive (and even plain looking) women in the big city are perpetually single. They are waiting for “the one”, which is code for a Ukrainian boxer who is also rich, famous, built like a tank, and can kill a man with his bare hands.

In many ways, this is similar to the endlessly career driven person who will settle for nothing less than to become the CEO of their company. Similarly, such people may not find happiness when they finally get what they want so badly. Hence our massive divorce rates.

A century ago, men and women were not geographically sporadic. Before globalization, the internet, and EasyJet, women were usually limited to an area of a few square miles. Their pick of suitors had to come from this pool. The most suitable bachelor was now in the same stratosphere of qualities that a “regular guy” could actually obtain.

Now, comparisons lie in pop culture. A man is not held to the standard of the guy who owns the local deli, works out and has an awesome mustache–instead, the average scrawny dude who slaves at an office all day is held to the standard of Wladimir Klitschko and various larger-than-life celebrities.

The Beta Male Phenomenon

 
Men have a strong sexual drive, just above that of women. Men also desire multiple sexual partners to a greater extent. As a result, men are not supremely picky, and never will be. The standards men hold women to usually consists of: “don’t be elderly, don’t be really fat, try to be cool to be around”.

Women have somewhat less biological drive based around sex. Therefore, they approach mating from a position of seeking “the best”, not necessarily being directed by gut-level sexual attraction. Their desire is still biological by nature, but it’s also mixed up with peer pressure, sociological expectation, and the Western tendency to want “the best” despite limited resources (the best car, the best house, the best Facebook friends list, the best selfie).

The ten percentile of men that most women desire are readily noticeable in a sea of “beta males”. Guys like this “nice guy”:

beta male

These are all men who, for whatever reason, do not make the cut. Women constantly dodge these men as they bother them on social media or make awkward, failed approaches (which these days are dubbed “street harassment”).

While there is a gradient in-between these extremes, many men end up somewhere in the middle. These are men who can count their sexual partners on one hand. Sometimes, their only sexual partner IS their hand.

Sadly, from a moral or logical point of view, most of these “undesirables” are perfectly good guys. Loyal, hard-working, maybe even handsome. In fact, in the olden days, they’d probably have an endless variety of women to choose from in their communities.

Today, average is not good enough, even though average itself is a myth–and everybody has something unique to offer. In Western culture, sexual viability among men is placed within strict, unyielding criteria of personal behavior (alpha attitude) and external attributes (broad shoulders, money, power).

A man must be actively in, or approaching, this ten percentile to maintain sexual options.

And unfortunately, men are notoriously unaware of these facts about the sexual marketplace. This is why so many constantly pursue women in the most low-power methods.

A friend of mine, an attractive eighteen year-old, posts regularly the absurdity of messages that she receives by strangers on Facebook. The screenshots that she posts usually consist of:

“Hey baby”
“I know u don’t know me but I love your tits”
“wow… i want to get to know you whats your phone number?”
“hey we live in the same town, do you wanna go out with me?”

And on, and on.

In many ways, this barrage of clueless beta males is a driving force behind the frustrating behavior among most modern women.

The reason this occurs is because as women are more and more strict about only dating within the ten percentile, that ninety percentile becomes more and more sexually frustrated. We men are driven by sexual urges that sometimes pornography cannot satiate. This leads to irrational behavior, such as messaging a girl half your age on Facebook and asking to see her tits.

Obviously, any man who behaves this way is only hurting his own cause further. But as our brains ooze chemicals telling us to desperately seek anything with a pair of breasts and two legs after a two-year dry spell, it’s no surprise men behave this way.

This is a dangerous cycle that continues to spin out of control. The only solution for men is to either walk away or to push hard to enter the ten percentile (game, alpha attitudes, etc).

A Healthier Culture Would Not Have These Problems

 
Men are not taught by our fathers or peers that acting like a sex begging beta is a horrible strategy. Further, women are not taught some basic eastern philosophical principles to be grateful for what you have and to not relentlessly seek perfection.

If a greater amount of men possessed traits that women found desirable, the ten percentile could change to a top twenty or thirty percentile. In other words, there would be fewer frustrated single women who are unsatisfied by what they perceive as an ocean of low quality men.

If women were taught the true nature of self-esteem, and if a healthy culture of female self-development (not feminism victim-hood or Cosmo mag consumerism) existed; women would make better choices and aspire to inner-happiness before seeking such happiness through the validation of obtaining a perfect male specimen. They would place less weight and severity on the mating process, and this open-mindedness could lead to women discovering they feel attracted to men they previously may not have given their time in the endless pursuit of perfection.

Further, men are not taught to lean back and stop being “pursuers”. They allow their sexual impulses to control their behavior far too much. This is why women get messaged more on dating sites compared to men on roughly a 1:100 ratio.

Unfortunately, current Western culture is toxic and spinning out of control. There are enough ladies and enough guys for there to be limitless options for both of us. Instead we are faced with divorce rates pushing 60%, with single, frustrated men AND women everywhere.

However, the immediate priority I believe lies in female culture. Privileged, urban women believe Wladimir Klitschko is going to appear and rescue them from the ocean of beta males. Feminism and female social philosophy reinforces for women to “never settle”, which really means continue to live squarely by the standards of pop culture and fantasy.

The problem is, once they finally find their “perfect” guy–usually after sleeping with quite a few candidates–they are not happy. They file for divorce. Their biological and sociological drive lied to them.

Or, after constant frustration after fruitlessly trying to catch one of the ten percentile, they “settle” and find one of their beta male orbiters who seems to have the best financial dividends. They immediately regret the decision, and resent the man for it. Again, divorce is filed, ugly custody proceedings ensue, etc.

This is because sex takes the back-burner to healthy philosophy. Women do not understand that happiness begins within their own minds. Western female philosophy is attached to an unbelievable mindset of victimhood. Women are not given permission to just be happy to be themselves. As a result, they carry all of their mental baggage into relationships as they look for happiness through external validation.

They devote all of their energy, all of their life’s work to finding the most desirable man possible. And at the end of the day, they’re still posting selfies worried about their appearance and what their friends think of them.

In Summary

 
As men, the best we can do is grow individually, and strive to stay in that ten percentile for our own sanity’s sake. The best women we can find are self-developed and not identifying their happiness based on what their gaggle of catty friends think.

However, just to be able to find a woman like that, we must first obtain the skills and attributes needed to attract ANY woman, at all.

In the current sexual climate; this means striving to be more like alpha dudes like Wladimir. The good news is that by modeling yourself after prime examples of masculinity; you are likely improving your life in other areas, as well. There is a lack of masculinity in modern men; and it involves self-sufficiency, leadership, charisma, and a warrior’s attitude. These are not bad traits for any man to quest for.

The bad news is that personal transformation is extremely hard. Our genetics limit to just what extent we can get ripped, and there is no shortcut to crack psychology to become instantly more masculine, more of a bad-boy.

But it can be done to your full potential, anyway. Ultimately, it must be done as a way of improving yourself, not merely to appease women–as this common mistake is a contradiction of goals that could even keep you in a beta status (does Wladimir train every-day to impress women? I doubt it).

This is in essence what a lot of men in the “Manosphere” strive toward.

And, as most of us know, it can be a lifelong process.

The Merits of the MGTOW Movement (Why Women Should Be De Prioritized)

mgtow

MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way) is a loosely-knit movement that certainly draws a fair amount of criticism. It concerns men withdrawing from the sexual marketplace to pursue their own lives, independent of pressure to pickup girls, get laid, or get married.

With articles like the brilliant “The Sexodus” on Breitbart, MGTOW is beginning to make more sense, perhaps mainly in its very moderate interpretation: that men need to detach from women and sex for the sake of their own mental health. (There are certainly some extremist elements to the movement that I do not care for.)

When I was about 17 years-old, I hung out with a few guys almost twice my age. We went to a biker coffee shop on a rough side of town, where they asked me “Son, what’s your number?”.

“Huh? My number?”

“How many women you’ve fucked’

“Umm, one”

They all burst out laughing at me. One of them remarked that his “score” was in the 30s.

“When I was 17, it was a lot higher than one, I can tell you that.” The immediate feeling I felt in response to these guys I barely knew was intense shame.

This was an impressionable experience. As I grew older, that score obviously increased, but I felt an invisible pressure, and even when I’d hook up more, I did not feel relieved. It was never enough to feel satisfied.

“It seems real men, like those guys I met, are always banging new girls. Why am I so far behind? So inefficient?”. Thoughts like this would plague my head constantly.

But unlike another addictive vice (money), the game of sexual politics sometimes feels unwinnable (for both sexes). While we can control our bank account through hard work, many men get stuck at improving in the sexual marketplace despite how much they invest their time into this area.

This is largely because of the infectious inconsistencies between what women say they want, and what they really want (as the “Sexodus” article illustrates, what women want is less the sensitive boyfriend and more the ripped shirtless warriors in Game of Thrones).

And, it’s not easy for a 28 year-old information technology professional who’s 145 lbs, has a square face, and hair growing in unusual places to suddenly live up to those expectations. When they try, often what’s created are laughable examples of men trying to be something altogether alien to their true natures.

Dating advice does help. The PUA movement caters to the large amount of American males who feel sexually unpopular. The advice on this site is designed to provide a solid baseline and grounding in that area. However, for many men, playing “the game” can be an enormous undertaking that is simply not worth the amount of work it takes.

Our friends and inner circles understand our true value and importance as human beings, but on the sexual marketplace: it’s brutal, and always will be brutal. Judgments are made on a split second basis, because that’s how long it takes for attraction to occur. You could have a Nobel peace prize for negotiating a treaty between Israel and Palestine, and you can still be absolutely invisible to the women you desire.

If a woman is not attracted to you (because of your body language, your height, your level of game, your alpha attitude, or whatever), but you are nonetheless attracted to her–it’s a fight you can almost never win.

And, attempting to continually win such a fight will result in mental health problems. The same mental health problems I’ve seen so many men suffer from since I first started to meet guys who seek help with dating and attraction.

Because at the end of the day, what I’ve found that most men want is not merely the validation of getting a girlfriend. This is fairly easy to accomplish. They want the options, they want the “proof” that they are attractive and masculine.

Dating somebody or entering a relationship does not cure that. They want to believe they are worthy and attractive to a multiplicity of women. They want the ability to go anywhere they want, and attract a large amount of sexual options. It’s intoxicating to be attractive to women. It’s like a narcotic. The most powerful narcotic in the world. Any straight male desires it at some point.

And, it’s reinforced by Western television and culture. Men are bombarded by imagery that equates their worth as human beings to their sexual value. In the PUA world, I’ve seen this made manifest. The pressure is enormous, and when a man cannot possibly live up to cultural expectations, his world feels crushed.

He retreats to porn, video games, and other dudes who he can vent with. He may even develop a bit of animosity against women.

He will have also developed, perhaps, an intense self-loathing. He’ll have forgotten his true potential, as all of his mental energy has been spent on self-consciousness.

He could have stood for great things in his life, but instead his focus was directed entirely at trying to fulfill the behemoth expectations of the sexual marketplace.

Often, in our 30s, I think these self-conscious directives begin to change. Some resign to their self-perceived unpopularity with women; others “settle”, marrying the first girl who shows interest so they can simply end the never-ending treadmill of seeking female validation.

Meanwhile, men are not living up their highest standards. And, the great irony is that because of their obsession with sex, and the fact they have put pussy on a pedestal in this way, that is a primary reason they are not attractive in the first place.

No great man cares about these things. As soon as you begin to WORRY about your sexual popularity and viability; you are giving away little pieces of your power.

As soon as a man goes in the mirror and hates himself for his beer gut or his pasty skin because it makes him unappealing to women, and be begins to ruminate on those thoughts, he’s drifting far from his true potential as a human being, and the amazing things he can accomplish that have nothing to do with whether random people want to fuck him or not.

And, when a guy reads excess material about picking up chicks (including even on this site), and he places too much attention and importance on the topic, he also surrenders his value.

The only solution for the “Sexodus”, for the mass of men crushed by lifetimes of rejection on the sexual marketplace, is to deprioritize every aspect of the attraction / pickup / dating / sex / relationship process.

I don’t agree with everything I read on the MGTOW sites, but the core concept is still something to take away; are you leading your OWN life or are you trying to live up to the expectations of a society that tells you that your worth as a man depends on your desirability by women?

Finally, if you feel stuck at “game”, and feel depressed — consider that you are putting women and your sexual utility on a pedestal where it does not belong. To begin to lead a life truer to yourself, you must unplug from dating, from women, from game, PUA–all of it.

And after you rediscover yourself, perhaps you can fiddle with the area again. But, your worth as a person has nothing to do with how much sex you’re getting or not getting in the meantime.

Literally just stop thinking so much about it. Walk away.

New Happn App Creates Unique Approach to Meeting Women

happn

Can you put serendipity in a bottle?

Developers of the new Happn app believe it’s possible. Banking on the Tinderr dating app craze, Happn has created a very different approach (literally speaking).

Instead of anonymously swiping left or right, Happn connects users in the physical proximity of one another. It’s designed so that if a guy sees a girl and feels hesitant to approach, he can load up his app and see if she is a registered user. She’ll be alerted that a man nearby fancies her.

Further, the list of available matches refreshes as you pass other registered users on the grid. It’s kind of like geocaching, but for finding dates.

Why This Might Be Good

Happn is the first dating app that I’ve seen which encourages face to face meetings. In other words, social recluses won’t get much benefit from it. And, it could work as the ultimate ice breaker. A girl registered on the site is making herself available to be approached, and if you match with her then it will become extremely easy to say hello.

This could be a very powerful tool. The disadvantage of apps like Tinderr (which I find to be total wastes of time) is that it’s easy to be irrationally selective on the internet. In real life, we sometimes find ourselves attracted to people based on body language and a lot of other factors that we cannot express over the internet.

In any regular online dating system, these factors are thrown out the window, and overly entitled keyboard jockeys make sweeping generalizations about strangers based on superficial criteria (“her knees are too sharp”, “his hair is not dark enough”, etc).

Happn could at least force people to actually interact before making judgments.

What to Be Wary Of

The disadvantage to any dating app is the tendency for men to forego game in favor of shortcuts.

While I’m excited about Happn, I don’t see it as an alternative to game. If you do get lucky enough to meet a girl on the subway who is using the app, that’s awesome—but you still need to make a great first impression.

Another issue with the app is that it foregoes the traditional approach, which may be more effective. Women love the idea of serendipity and bumping into a person randomly. An encounter on Happn is not exactly random.

If a man is entirely dependent on a piece of software to always break the ice, he will not develop the skills of charisma, the gift of gab, and the ability to break the ice in a natural way.

Therefore, don’t rely on an app like this.

In a Nutshell

In the current climate of street harassment paranoia, these types of digital consent based approaches could be the next norm.

What I like about the concept is that it promotes that it’s OK to be approached. That women WANT to be approached, and are willing to register with an app that actually assists with it.

And, if a woman does not want to be approached anymore, she can simply delete her profile.
Hopefully, it could also encourage women to approach men in public, as well. This would be a major step in the right direction.

However, I can’t help but feel slightly hesitant about any sort of dating app system. While Happn is a great alternative to Tinderr, don’t become reliant on it.

How to Be a Gentleman By Not Being a Gentleman

how to be a gentleman

Traditionally, men are taught by their elders how to be a gentleman. This brings to mind various nostalgic early 20th century ideas of opening doors, practicing some form of chivalry, and being a polite, well-rounded man.

There are many ways that “being a gentleman” is an adage that bothers me. It implies automatically that men are separated into two camps: the gentlemen and non-gentlemen; and that the latter are rude, dishonest, poor examples of men.

In reality, many of the worst men I’ve ever known have self-identified as gentlemen. This tells me that the advice as it’s traditionally passed on neither applies to the modern world, nor is it comprehensive enough to be a model of behavior.

That’s because gentlemen of this era are self developed men. If you follow the advice to open doors for your date, and this is your epiphany of social skills, you’re likely to find yourself stuck repeatedly in friend zone. Alternatively, acting aloof, cocky, and less clingy will contrast you from the endless parade of nice guys and their predictably bad behavior.

The reason this type of advice may have worked in 1935 is because before the age of rampant globalization, mass-communication, and sex as a pop-cultural weapon; men were born with an inherently grounded nature. There was an unspoken understanding of important values in life. There was no opportunity for men to spend half their lives in basements playing Warcraft, because at some point they would inevitably have to fight a real war. They knew life was short and precious.

Today, humans are raised by pop-culture. We are fed billboards and advertising that tell us to seek pussy as a standard of self-worth. Bad social skills are reinforced in schoolyards. Working as a community is downplayed in favor of convenience. Fresh off the factory floor, most men are fairly maladjusted.

Given this type of environment, to be a gentleman now means pushing against the grain with a different entire set of values. This includes:

  • Not putting women, or anyone, on pedestals
  • Being politically incorrect when necessary
  • Rejecting social roles and career roles
  • Developing a sense of humor and cockiness
  • Not taking everything so seriously
  • Not acting like an extremely self-conscious product of pop-culture
  • Being quick to call out bullshit when you see it
  • Knowing how to go out and have fun in an era when most prefer to sink into their couches and play video games / watch TV / stagnate on Facebook

All of this being said, you should still use the golden fucking rule. That’s what being a “good person” really involves–treating people with empathy. This includes employees, friends, lovers, anyone. See people as your brothers and sisters–unless they do wrong to you. In that case, see such a person as an undeveloped soul who needs a few more life lessons

However, if all you do is try to take the traditional ideas of how to be a gentleman and mold it on-top of our modern lack of values, then you may appear hollow and vapid. You are opening doors, walking on the outside of the sidewalk for ladies, and bringing flowers on a date–all while showing no substance or character to speak of.

Meanwhile, based on behavioral patterning, women typically identify this type of “gentlemanly” behavior with low-quality, uninteresting men who were taught how to dress and act by their mothers. By contrast, the cocky guy who doesn’t seem to give two shits is identified as the actual “gentleman” who is far less likely to social media stalk her, annoy her, obsess over her, or various other low quality behaviors that (quite sadly) this type of behavior seems to precipitate.

Is being a traditional gentleman completely dead? Maybe not in some cultures. For instance, in some more conservative parts of the world, it still seems to be what women in particular desire in their men. However, at least in the West, it’s no longer a sophisticated type of behavior.

Instead, it’s wiser to learn how to be a rebel. In summary, if you had to choose between Luke or Han Solo, I think Han is the better role model in the 21st century.

(To learn the much more complex and in-depth answer to the question of modern male virtues, see my book “How to Become a Powerful, Sexy Man”).

Are You An Alpha Male or Just An Insecure Dude?

fake alpha male

Alpha male is a popular buzzword these days (I even wrote a book dissecting the topic). However, let’s be clear that alpha behavior has little in common with overly-macho, aggressive or insecure attitudes. The very concept of “alpha” is also shaky.

In social situations, we can observe men with high-levels of social prowess and charisma. Comparably, the dominant wolf in a pack is also the leader who looks out for the female wolves and beta males.

These comparisons only apply marginally to the human world. The charismatic guy at the party may be considered an “alpha”, as could the DJ who controls all of the attention in the room; however when a guy deliberately tries to be what he considers an alpha man, there are many pitfalls to be careful of.

Here are some signs you’re not really alpha, but just another insecure dude:

  • You are afraid to be vulnerable.

What is vulnerability? The definition changes per person. It could be fear to show you’re not an expert at something. Or, fear of showing that you’re visibly upset about something. It doesn’t make you stoic, it makes you seem afraid of yourself. Not alpha.

  • You think you’re superior to other men, or to women.

Belief that you’re superior to somebody else is the quickest way to demonstrate that you’re not superior to anything. If you don’t have a strong sense of equality, then the impression people will get of you is that you’re over-compensating. This could manifest as putting “weaker” men down, or a belief that women are inferior to you.

  • You bypass social queues to pickup women.

Sure, it’s good to approach women and to express your sexual intent. But, some men take this to the next level. As soon as they see a woman they’re even slightly attracted to, they feel the need to push past everybody else and go harass her while she’s having a quiet dinner with her boyfriend at a restaurant. You’re not being alpha, you’re being annoying.

  • You place your value as a man on working out.

It’s good to work out and look good. As a man, it’s something you need to do. But many men get obsessed with it. They spend half their lives in the gym. They start to develop a complex of self-hatred when they see other men more ripped than them. Seriously? You can be skinny and high-value as much as you can be ripped and high-value. Stop looking at other men with bicep envy. It’s not cool.

  • Your first instinct is to antagonize a fight, not diffuse it.

Absolutely no martial artist in existence teaches the value of provoking a fight before diffusing it. Fight when you need to. Fight when you’re cornered or you or someone you know is threatened. But if it’s a pointless, ego-based conflict–like some dude tools you at a bar, then you are NOT being some type of macho dude because you throw a chair at him. You’ll get kicked out of the bar and look like an unstable jackass in the process.

  • You talk about yourself a lot.

What confident person can you think of who constantly drones on about himself? None. I live in Hollywood right now. It’s amazing how many people out here will immediately switch the topic to their trophies and the time they appeared in the background of Transformers 2. No one cares. Trying to make yourself seem important makes you seem unimportant.

In Summary

Get over yourself. “Trying” to be an alpha could be a highway to some very insecure behavior. You may have the best intentions for yourself in mind, but be careful of what your thoughts are actually manifesting as.

French Feminism vs American Feminism

Editor’s Note: On Developed Man, I’ve tried to focus on self-development and avoid the fiery debate across the Manosphere and men’s rights sites that point the finger at “feminism” as being responsible for men’s problems.

However, undeniably gender issues do affect men’s lives, and how women view their other-half greatly influences our romantic prospects. A friend, using the alias “Latinluva”, is a global dating expert who encourages men to leave North America to increase the quality and scope of their love lives.

He submitted this article to me and I decided to publish it, as it presents an interesting perspective about how feminism differs in other countries and offers what I feel is a clarifying perspective about this controversial subject.

– Cyrus

These days, it’s becoming apparent that it’s a hassle to date in America. When I moved to Los Angeles from Mexico, I met many girls who were struggling actresses, working as waitresses with no time for meeting men, while many of the other women I’d meet were struggling in their own way as immigrants, working bad jobs for the city or at fast food restaurants.

Welcome to life in America, where everybody is a workaholic to pay expensive rent, where you spend 30% of your life driving alone in your car stuck in traffic, and where everybody is lonely.

So, a lot of both men and women are leading very lonely lives, and lately many men believe that the reason there is so much disconnect is because “feminism” has driven a wedge between the sexes, which has meant less dating and companionship for everybody.

Is this true? Here is my perspective as a global traveler.

Feminism itself is supposed to be the struggle for equal rights between men and women.

There are 2 main schools of thought relating to feminism: Western feminism and French / European feminism, which is practiced elsewhere in the world.

Western feminism / American feminism

This type of feminism basically teaches that women are inherently not equal to men. Therefore, women must compensate by working hard to gain equal footing and / or outdo men. This is why you may see terms like “Working Women” (as opposed to “Working People”), emphasizing a woman’s role that is just as strong or stronger. There is a focus on women being able to do the same jobs men usually do, and if necessary to adopt masculine attributes to be recognized as equal. This type of feminism is commonly seen to have an adversarial attitude.

French feminism

French feminism basically focuses on ensuring equal rights for women while admitting (versus fighting) the natural gender differences, so Men are A, and Women are B, but A is not superior to B, or vice versa. In other words, French and other European brands of feminism have no problems reconciling that men and women have inherently different preferences and desires, but they do not feel threatened by these differences.

It seeks to empower women through their own femininity. They seek equality in terms of civil rights (voting, that their decision counts, that they have the same amount of opportunities, etc.) but at the same time promotes feminine empowerment. For example: being sexually attractive as means for empowerment, focusing on embracing one’s feminine self, beauty, and celebrating more womanly tasks and jobs versus feeling limited by them. European feminism is about promoting feminine positions and ideas in society while not trying to imitate men who are, by nature, different.

Very often these two schools of thought fight amongst each other. For example, Western feminists may accuse French feminism of allowing themselves to be “oppressed” by men for feeling it’s acceptable to dress in a sexual way and being OK with men’s compliments and attention.

On the other hand, French feminism may accuse Western feminism of disempowering women by telling them to pursue manly tasks and behavior. French feminists may feel offended by the notion that behaving in a feminine way is just “wanting to satisfy men”.

I think these two images speak for themselves:

FrenchVSWesternFeminism

There’s nothing wrong with feminism (or at least the way it’s supposed to be). The real problem we are dealing with is that there’s something wrong with how people in America interact with each other and spread harmful ideas.

Something very bad happened in America, perhaps nourished by fear, control, overpopulation, and Hollywood that made its citizens too self-conscious. As a foreigner having lived in Los Angeles for a year, I am now absolutely sure that the USA is the most self-conscious country in the world, and this had led to a lot of confusion in matters relating to social interactions between genders.

So America has become the perfect fertile field for confused and unhealthy gender dynamics to grow. You can see this not only through the lens of Western feminism but in American’s day to day lives. Take a look at the following video related to “street harassment”:

I see too many problems in this video, related to both men and women. Here are the facts:

American Men are needy: Men who catcall women on the street are simply projecting unsatisfied desires, meaning they are not getting laid good or often enough. There’s also a problem with education: Social classes in America are more divided, the public education system fails to deliver, and men lack behavioral guidance in life. This is why men on this video lack the touch and chivalry to display value and they resort to needy behavior (cat-calling) instead of properly approaching and striking up a conversation.

But also I see an incredible amount of self-consciousness from these women, I mean, they dress sexy and complain of the unwanted attention, but we know every woman in the world craves attention. It’s just that these self-described “feminists” complain that they want the control of who gives them that attention.

The video also recounts stories of women who were sexually molested in the subway. This is a serious offense, but it’s not fair to associate an actual sex crime with a guy who calls a woman in a short black skirt “beautiful” (as we see early in the video).

This is very selfish in a way and also puts society at risk because they are basically looking to create laws that would prevent men from talking to women in public places. If such laws get approved then dating in America will become impossible, and it’s already hard.

Have you ever tried online dating in America? I have and guess what? It’s a joke. Even as an attractive man, I have no power in the digital dating marketplace. On the other hand, I found out that attractive women in the USA get 30 mails per day on average (according to statistics). In other words, an attractive woman in America has absolutely 0 problems for finding partners, so much that they can’t even read the amount of e-mails that get accumulated in their inboxes. Since the average woman is swimming in a sea of options, that’s why they never respond to most guys (even quality guys).

If that wasn’t bad enough, I recently read about these two entrepreneurial women who have created a new dating site (Siren) that has a specific algorithm that can completely filter women’s preferences so that candidates who don’t fit the desired profile will be absolutely unable to communicate with them (so becoming witty and skillful at conversation will no longer work in this case).

And then you have the news about “women only hotels”. . .

…And you get the picture: men in America are becoming absolutely powerless at dating: in a near future they will no longer have anything to do with the dating process, and it will be completely out of their control. This is one of the reasons pickup artistry and learning game is so popular in America, as it’s the only possible way for most men to try and retake some of their value.

If you’ve been following Developed Men, you’ve probably read many articles relating to behavioral patterns and learning the art of seducing women, these of course are tried techniques to make a difference in the extremely difficult and competitive dating scene in America. It’s basically an art that needs to be studied and perfected in order to make it work, and we are hopefully building true gentlemen—men who can display value in society and be appreciated by women.

However, I feel like the need for these skills is exacerbated in North America, where women are very difficult to connect with, and therefore many men become lonely and desperate and they require as much game as possible to try and force a broken system to work.

American men forget that in other parts of the world meeting women is natural and easy. The lack of options and loneliness that American men suffer is disproportionate to the rest of the world, and this is why American men get needy and act in a low-value way, such as with the cat-calling. As you can see it is a vicious circle.

There’s a fight going on out there, namely against Western and North American thinking, which is an ideology of self-consciousness and confusion that hurts gender dynamics and makes life much harder for both men and women. By contrast there are other ideas about feminism that do not promote a self-conscious and unhappy society, and this is the European and French model.

It’s very important for men and women alike to recognize these alternatives and to spread awareness about them, otherwise Western ideologies will continue to spread, and as we have seen by the very damaged social culture in the United States, we do NOT want Western culture and it’s wrong ideas about the sexes to overtake countries abroad that have much older and more balanced views on male / female relationships.

As for men who are stuck in America, your solution is global dating. Get out of the United States. In other places I have been to it’s amazing how the problems I mentioned so far do not exist. Online dating becomes easy, approaching women is much easier, there is no tension or hostility between the genders, the men do not act needy or pushy, and the women are not self-conscious or confused about themselves.

I’ll talk a lot more in my next article about global dating. Stay tuned.

How Generalizing is Stupid Behavior (Response to Return of Kings)

return of kings

What does it take to be a good man? A lot of things, but most importantly it’s about avoiding certain behaviors that harm you.

There’s a natural human tendency to create a false equation. It’s like an error in our operating systems; a mental glitch that was never fixed by nature. It goes: observation = generalization.

It’s easy to identify, “That Asian driver cut me off. Asians are bad drivers.”

It’s the least rational type of thought pattern. More irrational than religious fundamentalism or any other modern plague of the mind, and it’s the core of many of the world’s problems.

Fortunately, conscious-minded individuals can usually detect this type of behavior early enough to squash it. However, some communities appear ripe with generalizing behavior; and as such they should be approached with healthy skepticism.

One such site is Return of Kings, made by arch PUA Roosh V.

I’ve been reading this site out of curiosity; and there can be something a bit seductive about the Manosphere’s most controversial creature that keeps me clicking to the next article…and the next one…and the next one. Some primal tendency, perhaps.

But I hope most reasonable people who stumble into this site can identify bullshit by practicing even mild critical thinking skills. Every single article on that site encapsulates negative generalizations about politics, gender issues, women, and society.

As an example, let’s take a look at a very “tame” (by RoK standards) RoK post: “Why The Ukraine Crisis Is A Red Pill Vs Blue Pill Superpower Clash”

At first glance, I find myself starting to agree with “The First Auarian”. Yes, perhaps Russian and Soviet influenced culture breeds less materialistic women. Perhaps emasculated western culture is a threat to eastern culture (which is the article’s thesis).

But it’s clear, as you read this piece, it’s just like every other article on the site: a rampant series of generalizations, that appeals to your desire for controversy but has no basis in reality.

The author takes a couple of his own VERY subjective experiences and tries to paint a broad analysis of Ukrainian culture in general. So, he had a very positive experience dating an east Ukrainian woman, and a less positive experience with a west Ukrainian. Who cares?

So the east Ukrainian woman he met was not messing with her cell-phone on a date… Who cares? He implies that the closer you get to Russia, the more likely every woman puts away her cell phone and becomes mature minded, social, sexual, and without narcissistic western tendencies.

But I seriously doubt that. For all we know, more east Ukrainians use cell phones than west Ukrainians. For all we know, east Ukrainian men are less aggressive than their western counterparts. For all we know, aggressive, over-machismo behavior of east Ukrainian men does nothing to increase the quality of the dating culture, at all.

In fact, according to statistics I’ve researched, many east European countries, including the Ukraine, have the highest rates of divorce in the world, outranking even the United States. It’s possible the extreme machismo “red pill” behavior of east European men is not helpful to relationships, at all.

While the article is “entertaining” enough to read, it does not hold up to any type of critical thought. It’s yet another example of a subjective experience leading to generalizations and then the preaching of anecdotal truth.

Of course, fueling controversy also fuels traffic, which is directly proportional to advertising dollars and product sales. Here’s an article with 188k likes, 24 Signs She’s a Slut.

Again, it’s just another parade of uncertain generalizations, anecdotes and opinion. Honestly, I don’t even know what the fuck a “slut” is. If a woman is sexual, please remind me why it’s somehow a bad thing now. I vaguely get the sense that RoK wants more women who are sexually active (ie: girls who will fuck them instead of reject them, which I think is the underlying frustration of many of the site’s writers) so why does that article have an undercurrent of condescension? I can’t figure out what “Tuthmosis” wants. Do you WANT more “sluts” or are you trying to shame women for promiscuous behavior?

While RoK can be written off as a boorish site designed around fanning flames of controversy and making Roosh and friends filthy rich, there’s a bigger undercurrent of irrational, generalizing behavior among men’s sites that I think is a lot more serious.

For instance, the predominant theme on RoK, and many other sites, is that the root of all evil, all aspects of the broken western dating culture, the reason Susie never went out with you in 7th grade, and a number of other woes is because of one boogeyman: feminism.

I am quite critical of a lot of weird, offensive stuff coming out of the brains of certain writers on sites like Jezebel, Skepchick, and Radfem, such as the atrociously bad Schroedinger’s Rapist logical fallacy that is being trumpeted across the femosphere, which seems to promote paranoia and divisiveness.

Here’s an excellent rebuttal to this type of nonsense by The Factual Feminist:

However, feminism as a catch-all enemy is absurd. The unhealthy generalization thought-error manifests yet again when people bare witness to one example of crazy feminism, and then equate the entire, very broad women’s movement as being divisive and horrible.

This generalization does not hold water, either. Feminism is about a needed women’s movement. In parts of the world, women cannot vote, cannot drive cars, and routinely have acid thrown at their faces when they break rules. What the Men’s Rights crowd sometimes forgets is that women need a voice just like men need a voice. It doesn’t mean we have to be at odds. Just ignore the crazy people. Is that so hard?

These types of negative ideologies will hurt your social and love life. A woman who could be very compatible for you may also describe herself as a feminist. What will you do then? Will you unfairly prescribe your prejudiced opinion unto her, and destroy a potentially great relationship?

A mark of maturity is the power to overcome this tendency. And, by living with that sense of maturity, you will lead a happier life, with more fruitful relationships. When the world outside your home becomes painted in irreversible colors, you are limiting your own human experience.

Do not stereotype people, and do not generalize about a culture. By doing this, you are making the world a much darker place to live.

One of the reasons that I choose to go into weird places like North Korea is to further remove from my mind the tendency to stereotype people and places. Even some of the world’s most despised people, like the members of the Korean Worker’s Party, are also human beings with multi-faceted personalities (and partying with them was a great way to realize this).

Please, be mindful about the types of information you consume. Stay open-minded, and always treat one another like human beings; not representatives of ideologies, genders, or countries.

Huge Mistakes From Yesteryear’s PUA Movement

pua movement

I don’t think anybody likes the term “PUA” (pickup artist) anymore because it’s ridiculous. But, I still see guys using PUA principles in an effort to become better men or cure long romantic dry spells. Some of these behaviors still crop up even if the “PUA” culture is mostly on the way out. In this case the only thing you need to pick up is your right-hand and slap yourself silly if any of the following applies:

  • Putting Pussy on a Pedestal: The mantra of the pickup scene was always: get laid to be popular, get laid to earn respect. Most of us who were brought into the game by naivete learned that this mentality creates the diametric opposite of results. At the end of the day sex isn’t really that important, and sometimes it’s even a hassle. The West has made sex and scoring with genetically gifted women into something 10x more important than it ever really was. This is mostly because of advertising / Matrix thinking. Young guys often think like this anyway, and the PUA scene just exacerbated it.
  • Going to Nightclubs: Most people with any social experience eventually learn how going to nightclubs is a huge waste of time. Both PUA books (including “The Game”) and modern pop culture stresses how nightclubs are some mecca where guys get laid and super cool dudes are born. Nothing could be further from the truth.
  • Treating Women as Conquests: This is something I still see on certain Manosphere sites and it’s one of the reasons I made Developed Man, because I got extremely frustrated reading blog posts by certain authors who I felt were respectable, but were still calling women “targets”. Coaching guys a lot back in 2012, I discovered how this mindset is infectious and turns guys into social robots, which leads to…
  • Treating Women as a Different Species: Some guys back in the PUA scene could never last long in intimate relationships because they never really wrapped their minds around the fact that despite some biologically different impulses in regard to attraction, men and women are the same (humans). This also manifests among a few misogynistic offshoots of the Manosphere who have taken “bros before hos” to a new level of extreme. All of these ideas are not only unhealthy, but hurt your chances at relationships.
  • Obsession With Some Certain Type of “Hot Girl”: The PUA mentality had a lot of guys obsessed with proving their manliness to the world by going from geek to banging an “HB10″. What they don’t realize is that the sex and possible subsequent relationships are a lot more fulfilling if you think more about factors like: compatibility, her emotional intelligence, her honesty, and virtues. A woman who’s more down to earth is also far less likely to play games, initiate insanity / drama, or keep you running in circles.
  • Not Going to Social Events: When I was a college sophomore enticed by PUA material, I had read that “hot game” was like “cheating” and real men had to learn to “cold approach” women in various awkward settings. Total nonsense. This idea was spun so that guys buy more products. Nightclub game is hard for social beginners. Furthermore, daygame can be equally intimidating. By comparison expanding your social circle is easy and is guaranteed to bring women into your life. Go to charity events, Meetup.com groups, or host your own stuff. Meet lots of people, throw “openers” out the window, and just expand your social circle as your number one priority. Later on it’s good to test your comfort zone with meeting strangers in daylight settings, but don’t pin your entire love and sex life on it.
  • Pretending: The good sites on the “Manosphere” these days are committed to what I call the Men’s Self Development Movement. This has nothing to do with pretending to be someone cool. The PUA paradigm taught guys from day one to “fake it”. You’re geeky and socially awkward? Then buy really nice clothes and make up a bunch of stories about yourself. This advice is epically bad.
  • Practicing “Game” When You Don’t Need To: I saved this one for last, because I used to see guys do this *a lot*. Game is really social confidence and projecting yourself as a strong man, which women find attractive. That’s ALL it is. “Game” with quotation marks is rehearsing weird tips from books that don’t work. This might be acceptable in a venue full of strangers, but I used to see guys doing this shit in their offices, at parties, or among friends. You don’t need to “game” girls in these instances. It makes you seem like a loser at best, and a creepy fucking weirdo at worst. Not acting “normal” and putting on some type of weird front to talk to women is social suicide, and your friends will stop inviting you to parties and mixers. Guaranteed.

I hope my bit of tough love will put the nail in the coffin of your potential PUA habits, if you are unfortunate enough to have picked any up as you read men’s interest sites. For fun, I’d like to hear from you about the worst examples you’ve personally seen of guys awkwardly behaving like pickup artists. Leave a comment below.

Oh yeah, don’t forget you can e-mail me personally at this link, for any reason (except to spam me with Viagra advertisements. I don’t really need viagra at this stage in my life)

Brave Guys Needed for YouTube Reality TV Show

Hello, Developed Man readers,

My friend (and contributor to our sister site, Developed Life), Arturo has undertaken a project that involves exploring cultural differences in dating standards. This will be done through a funny YouTube series that will debut late this year: American Love in Prague.

For years, a well-known secret has been that lonely guys move toward regions like central or east Europe to level the dating game to their favor. Countless stories are abound that feature guys who have found beautiful romantic partners in distant countries.

There are a lot of theories for why this is (many of which I outline in a booklet I recently wrote, Global Dating), but it seems to be that the dating arena in the United States is, no matter how you slice it or how much “game” you try to learn, always going to be somewhat flawed.

The YouTube show will satirically explore what it takes for American expats to become Czech Republic bachelors; looking for love in a city renown for beautiful women.

Arturo is looking for American guys aged 18-30 to participate; you must be down to go to Prague, to not be camera shy, and down to participate in a fun project (and maybe meet some lovely ladies in the process). Digital nomads and lifestyle designers who like to roam are always a welcome addition; as you could make this a stop along your travels. Shooting is scheduled for this fall through winter.

To apply, leave a comment on this thread, e-mail me or just contact Arturo directly by liking the American Love in Prague Facebook page and leaving a comment or sending a message.

The Terrible Temptation of Bragging

First of all, I have no idea who this is a picture of. He was on the Wikimedia creative commons page for the keyword “arrogant” and he definitely looks the part. However, I have to offer my utmost apologies to whoever this guy is who I just made into the personification of a “bragger”.

One of the worst social mistakes a man (or anybody) can make is the “brag”, a statement, comment, or response framed as a self-assurance of one’s own accomplishments.

For men trying to meet women, it can also be the final factor to assure that he’ll never get a return phone-call.

To understand the absurdity of the brag, let’s examine just the basics of why a person would even do it.

Bragging is Either to Relieve Anxiety, or to Manipulate

These are the two only psychological reasons why a person would boast about himself.

The first is the very weak phenomenon of self-assurance. In a situation where a person feels insecure, he may try to prop himself up so that he feels less anxiety about the situation.

For instance: a guy at an exclusive party for film-makers feels out of place and insecure. He may try to brag about his minor accomplishments with a student film he created years ago.

The only thing that this communicates is: “Please help me fit in. I feel like less of a man. Please tell me I’m worth something to you and that it’s OK to be here.”

Obviously, this sends the exact opposite message; that he’s an outsider who is clutching at straws. This behavior is extremely transparent.

The second motivation for bragging is as a very shrewd attempt to manipulate a person’s favor.

For instance, let’s say you’re among a group of industry professionals. You really have made some great accomplishments in your field. However, not everybody around you knows about what you believe to be an entitled sense of prestige. And, that intoxicating feeling of power you get when people bow to you has now become a craving.

So, you look for ways to inject your accomplishments into the conversation.

“Yeah, that was like the time I released an app that sold 1.4 million copies. Well, not quite.”

The typical reaction to this type of bragging is a sort-of feigned positivity by the audience.

“Wow, that’s really impressive. How did you do that?”

This is because our brains seem to register facts more quickly than personality assessments. Unfortunately, the quasi-positive reactions only serve to fuel the bragger’s misconstrued idea that he’s not committing social suicide.

When the party is over, that’s when people get together and unanimously agree that the guy was a douchebag.

Understand that it’s this very motive, to try and prop oneself up at the expense of others, that is so unhealthy. From cocktail parties to dates, it makes everybody uncomfortable.

How to Show Value Without Bragging

I would suggest to look at how very accomplished men behave themselves socially. For instance, Bill Gates, Bill Clinton, Richard Branson. If you dig around YouTube, you’ll find plenty of examples.

What you won’t find is these guys bragging. Ever. They know what they’re worth, they have absolutely no need to reassure themselves, or others, of their value.

However, they allow their actions and who they are to speak for themselves.

This means they do not hesitate to provide their wisdom and ideas to people. They only talk about their accomplishments after they are asked about them.

For instance, if somebody asked Clinton, “gee, you sure know a lot about politics, why is that?”

At this point, it would be socially acceptable for Clinton to list his accomplishments (and, in this case, inquire if the person had been living in a cave his entire life).

In Summary

Bragging is a seriously bad habit that you MUST shake off. If you feel a desire to constantly obtain social approval and acceptance, then you must work on yourself to find the root causes of these desires. Bragging is typically a mere symptom of a bigger disease known as insecurity.

What Do You Think?

How do you feel around people who brag? Does it make you uncomfortable, or do you disagree? What was the worst example of a bragger you ever dealt with?

Do you like what you’re reading on Developed Man? Support us by joining our mailing list. (Beware of Gmail’s “promotions” tab that may eat your confirmation letter and our e-mails).

A Complete Guide to Approach Anxiety

approach anxiety

I promised I would write about approach anxiety one of these days. So, we’ve finally arrived at that point. This term is rooted squarely in the rise of the seduction and “advice for meeting girls” community; but may have existed before then in the world of cold-sales.

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6 High Quality Behaviors That Men Must Try to Obtain

Let’s face it, the world is kind of a shitty place sometimes. And, the reason is largely because of the people who inhabit it. Fortunately, there’s good news: a few personality changes and philosophical reconsiderations can create a new chapter for any man; immediately creating a brighter future for everybody.

These behaviors could mean, for you, the difference between success and happiness—versus just being another piece of the big problem.

The Victimless Attitude

I’ve heard every imaginable excuse for why a person fails, is miserable, or has had misfortunes of various sort; including that some archetypal enemy has thwarted his abilities. It could be Barack Obama, Prime Minister Cameron, Todd the 4th grade bully, or even some non-physical, crushing existential fear. All of this is bunk as soon as a man takes responsibility for EVERYTHING, good and bad, in his life.

The alternative is to play the victim, in which case you WILL suffer.

Courage to Lose It All

We live in an interesting time on this planet. If you belong to a first-world country, the bottom of the social ladder is no longer death as was expected in a bygone era. Not long ago, if you lost all of your money and had no place to live, you’d end up on some flea-infested street, dying of plague in about a week’s time.

Today, the worst that can happen is you’ll have to bum on a friend’s couch for a couple of weeks while you pick yourself back up. In fact, if you really did lose EVERYTHING, you might find yourself feeling strangely liberated about no longer dealing with car, cell-phone, gym, cable, and flat-screen TV costs.

The point is that not being afraid of “losing” stuff helps a man become less clingy to his material attachments. By doing this, he is more prone to take positive risks, to go outside of his comfort zone, and to not place so much value on the stuff that may really just be holding him back.

To Try And Make a Better Planet

You should at least be investing some small percentage of your masculine energy into serving the planet, and not just yourself. The reason is because it’s possible that earth could, someday, be a hell of a lot better than it is now. This serves the individual as well as the collective; as we all want to live in a society with clean air, happy people, complete health and wellness, abundant resources, and technology that allows us to do anything we damn well please. This future is only possible through YOUR efforts, right now, so get after it.

When something doesn’t work in your business or personal life, you must learn to adapt. The opposite of adaptation is defending the status quo. Typically, this is because your ego is worried about its own imperfections, and will resist the idea of change.

So, don’t get stuck in first gear. If you have to enhance your personality to become more successful, do it. If you have to shed off old limiting beliefs, then start identifying them immediately. Whatever it takes to get to the next level.

To Not Seek Things in Return

Another pitfall is the tendency among men to become cultivators of good deeds… at the expense of everyone around them. They are the guys who will drive their friends from the airport, buy girls dinner constantly, even give money to homeless people, only to harbor secret resentments or an intention for all the recipients to give back in some way. These types of guys may rant later about how people (or the world) owes them so much.

So, don’t be that guy. You should only ever give back without expectations of return. Consider your compensation the good feelings that you experience knowing somebody benefited from your actions. Asking for anything more is creating trouble.

To Have an Identity

I always believe there is an advantage among those bohemians and artists who make a point to stand out from the crowd by whatever means possible. You can learn a thing or two from the most colorful personalities, which is simply about expressing who you are. You don’t have to do this by dying your hair pink, but you can do it by celebrating your personality and not becoming a human doormat as you age.

To Know Your Life Goals, Up Until Death

Finally, there is a more positive attitude that you can strive for that encompasses death as part of your life; as merely the finale of your experiences. Think of your life as a book you’re writing, so don’t be afraid of ending it, as every great story needs one. So, focus instead on expanding the length of that book you’re creating, and be sure to include some enduring tales.

In Summary

All we can do in life is try to be our best selves; and do our best to make things better for the next generation that follows us. So, don’t be ignorant about your potential. A man will have truly wasted his life if he does not make even a small effort at improving himself on a regular basis.

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