When Beautiful Women Are Not Beautiful (Calling Out All Simps)


Today, I fear that we live in the age of simps. These are men who beg, grovel and plead for female attention. It has become so widespread in cities like Los Angeles that even completely average women can acquire 4,000, 5,000 or more Tinder matches in a short amount of time. Continue Reading

The Best Mindset for Meeting Women

meeting women

There’s so much pressure on the modern man when it comes to meeting women. Everybody has an opinion about it these days, and the opinions are always changing. So the question becomes: what’s working lately? Here are some thoughts.

Continue Reading

The Terrible Temptation of Bragging

First of all, I have no idea who this is a picture of. He was on the Wikimedia creative commons page for the keyword “arrogant” and he definitely looks the part. However, I have to offer my utmost apologies to whoever this guy is who I just made into the personification of a “bragger”.

One of the worst social mistakes a man (or anybody) can make is the “brag”, a statement, comment, or response framed as a self-assurance of one’s own accomplishments.

For men trying to meet women, it can also be the final factor to assure that he’ll never get a return phone-call.

To understand the absurdity of the brag, let’s examine just the basics of why a person would even do it.

Bragging is Either to Relieve Anxiety, or to Manipulate

These are the two only psychological reasons why a person would boast about himself.

The first is the very weak phenomenon of self-assurance. In a situation where a person feels insecure, he may try to prop himself up so that he feels less anxiety about the situation.

For instance: a guy at an exclusive party for film-makers feels out of place and insecure. He may try to brag about his minor accomplishments with a student film he created years ago.

The only thing that this communicates is: “Please help me fit in. I feel like less of a man. Please tell me I’m worth something to you and that it’s OK to be here.”

Obviously, this sends the exact opposite message; that he’s an outsider who is clutching at straws. This behavior is extremely transparent.

The second motivation for bragging is as a very shrewd attempt to manipulate a person’s favor.

For instance, let’s say you’re among a group of industry professionals. You really have made some great accomplishments in your field. However, not everybody around you knows about what you believe to be an entitled sense of prestige. And, that intoxicating feeling of power you get when people bow to you has now become a craving.

So, you look for ways to inject your accomplishments into the conversation.

“Yeah, that was like the time I released an app that sold 1.4 million copies. Well, not quite.”

The typical reaction to this type of bragging is a sort-of feigned positivity by the audience.

“Wow, that’s really impressive. How did you do that?”

This is because our brains seem to register facts more quickly than personality assessments. Unfortunately, the quasi-positive reactions only serve to fuel the bragger’s misconstrued idea that he’s not committing social suicide.

When the party is over, that’s when people get together and unanimously agree that the guy was a douchebag.

Understand that it’s this very motive, to try and prop oneself up at the expense of others, that is so unhealthy. From cocktail parties to dates, it makes everybody uncomfortable.

How to Show Value Without Bragging

I would suggest to look at how very accomplished men behave themselves socially. For instance, Bill Gates, Bill Clinton, Richard Branson. If you dig around YouTube, you’ll find plenty of examples.

What you won’t find is these guys bragging. Ever. They know what they’re worth, they have absolutely no need to reassure themselves, or others, of their value.

However, they allow their actions and who they are to speak for themselves.

This means they do not hesitate to provide their wisdom and ideas to people. They only talk about their accomplishments after they are asked about them.

For instance, if somebody asked Clinton, “gee, you sure know a lot about politics, why is that?”

At this point, it would be socially acceptable for Clinton to list his accomplishments (and, in this case, inquire if the person had been living in a cave his entire life).

In Summary

Bragging is a seriously bad habit that you MUST shake off. If you feel a desire to constantly obtain social approval and acceptance, then you must work on yourself to find the root causes of these desires. Bragging is typically a mere symptom of a bigger disease known as insecurity.

What Do You Think?

How do you feel around people who brag? Does it make you uncomfortable, or do you disagree? What was the worst example of a bragger you ever dealt with?

Do you like what you’re reading on Developed Man? Support us by joining our mailing list. (Beware of Gmail’s “promotions” tab that may eat your confirmation letter and our e-mails).

A Complete Guide to Approach Anxiety

approach anxiety

I promised I would write about approach anxiety one of these days. So, we’ve finally arrived at that point. This term is rooted squarely in the rise of the seduction and “advice for meeting girls” community; but may have existed before then in the world of cold-sales.

Continue Reading

How to Behave Around the Most Beautiful Women

beautiful women

Every man must learn how to behave around the most beautiful women in the world. This is easily where the majority of guys fall short, and we desperately need some education on this matter. Really beautiful women are subject to a massive influx of unnecessary status, attention, jealousy, opportunities and calamities from all walks of life. This is because we live in a society that worships youth and beauty above almost everything else.

For this reason, your only chance of making friends with, or dating, a woman like this is by going outside the box completely. While a lot of men only fantasize about dating supermodels in Ibiza, some men are really doing it. Here’s some tips I’ve learned along the way:

Never Compliment Her Appearance: Duh, rule number-fucking-one. Telling a beautiful woman that she’s pretty is as awkward as asking an eskimo if he likes snow. The only exception to this rule is if you are eight years-old. It worked pretty good for me back then.

Be Wary of Other Compliments: Most men learn what chode behavior it is to tell a hot girl “you’re hot”, so they try to go “under the radar” to hand their value to them in more subtle ways. For instance, excessive compliments about their intelligence, writing skills or their shoes. Come on, give it a rest, they know what you’re doing (trying to win favor) and it will never work.

Never Treat Her as a “Thing”: Without realizing it, common male behavior toward genetically gifted ladies actually undermines them. After the 1000th man hits on her (by around age 17 or 18), a beautiful woman will start to feel like a walking rib roast in a town full of dogs. Men don’t realize it, but giving any added attention because of looks is akin to saying: “you’re a commodity because of your appearance”, and this makes women feel uncomfortable to put it lightly.

Focus on Making Her Laugh: Tease her, joke with her, and as many seduction coaches have put it: “treat her like your bratty little sister”. This immediately puts you in a whole new category of male.

Focus on Work: If you go to school or work with such a woman, focus on the job and don’t be like every other guy trying to take things “personal” by “getting to know her” (ie: asking about her life, what she likes, her favorite color, or other nonsense). The idea is to remain indifferent to her status as a high-status woman that every man wants. You have to be the exception to the rule. By doing this, she will generate interest in YOU and perhaps even ask you out!

Be Unavailable: Decidedly turning down offers of coffee, hanging out, or whatever is not a great idea when you’re with a girl who is not stunningly angelic and beautiful (she will just move on to someone else), but with the Perfect-10 dime pieces, since every guy is constantly TRYING to get with them, by having something better to do — you’ll become the cool guy she will never have to worry is going to pursue and 12 AM Facebook stalk her.

Tell Her She’s Beautiful AFTER You’re Dating Her: Beautiful women are insecure, freaked out age 30 or 35 will be unkind to them, and trying to keep up with better looking females getting better jobs in “hot girl industries” like modelling or acting. Once you’re with the girl, it’s your job to help keep her self-esteem up.

There’s Degrees of Beauty: I actually think there’s a difference between “hot” (not physically perfect, but sexual, personally appealing, the girl-next-door, etc) and “beautiful” (Olivia Wilde, for instance). The former category of “hot” is the majority of women you’re attracted to. The article you just read is about that 5-percentile of goddesses, and the rules are pretty specific. I’m curious what you think, though. What’s the difference between hot and beautiful? You can post via the Facebook comments on the bottom.

In Summary

Some people may tell you the only way to date a gorgeous woman is to either: be a celebrity DJ, a celebrity actor, or a total asshole. As it turns out, a lot of these women are sick of vain guys in show-business; and what they’re probably looking for are authentic men like yourself. So, that’s good news, isn’t it?

Obvious Dating Mistakes You’re Probably Still Making

dating mistakes

The funny thing about learning how to succeed with the ladies is that our memory recognition is extremely bad. My theory is that it relates to left-brain, right-brain relations. Logically, when we hear good dating advice, our left-brain processes it and it sounds like a great idea. However, once our emotional right-brain takes over, all that important information just seems to disappear. This is why when you’re pissed off or horny, you start saying and doing stupid shit.

So, in honor of our unreliable right-hemisphere, let’s go over some of the dating mistakes you’re probably still committing despite your best effort to eradicate them.

Messaging or Calling Too Much: Thinking about a girl you just met? Did you succumb to your temptation to message her on Facebook with something like”Hello Susan! It was nice talking to you the other day!”? Are you wondering why she’s not responding to you? Because she just put you in the “needy” pile. That’s all it takes–one unwarranted message–and you’re finished. You’re better off not pursuing like this, at all. The only exception is if she’s already crazy about you, then unexpected messages on social media or voice-mails might be OK, but it’s very easy to push it too far.

Proceeding Forward Despite Clear Warning Signs to Stop: Hornyness and desperation are the most common culprits of this dating mistake. If a girl becomes the “psycho girlfriend” meme two hours after meeting her; it’s really best to not keep fanning that flame, (unless you are into psychotic women, which is another issue).

Bringing Up Exes or Other Forbidden Topics: There’s a lot of stuff that you have to remember to just not talk about. Awkward conversational topics can destroy the attraction, especially topics that are brought up too soon. Aside from exes, don’t babble about your job or other boring facts of yourself. Just let her experience your personality.

Not Taking Anything Physical: While it might be a bit intimidating to make that first move and go in for a kiss (and hopefully more), not giving this a shot is a huge dating mistake. Without breaching that barrier, you’re on a one-way train to friend-zone. If she does reject you for kissing her, just brush it off and move onward.

Setting Up a Boring Date: If you decide to go “traditional” and ask her to go to dinner with you, there better be a LOT of chemistry already happening beforehand (which means she’ll be happy no matter WHAT you do with her). Otherwise, expect a lot of chewing and not much interacting. Look for any fun activity with her, even miniature golf is a better bet than going to dinner.

Staking Too Much on Her: Desperation is one of those hidden vices that you won’t even realize is happening. Nonetheless, be careful of putting too much importance on any bird you’re seeing. A lot of times, it doesn’t last that long, so enjoy it while it does–and for goodness sake, don’t act creepy.

Getting Back into the Game: Dating Tips for Men

datingI’m convinced “game” is good for men. When people spend long hiatuses, whether from dry spells due to a work schedule, or a failed relationship that leaves one feeling depressed and unmotivated, then guys experience a lot of bad effects. They become less youthful, less invigorated, and their libido is often wasted on pornography or it simply becomes an unused commodity. I think it leads to bad health, a lack of vigor, and premature aging. In addition, a guy will often need to be “rebooted” and need a fresh course of dating tips for men to get back into the swing of things.

Like most guys, I know what this is like all too well. There is a saying about how people in their late 20s are suddenly far less excited about going out and meeting people, and I think this is mostly because by around age 26 or 27, most have had their share of clubbing and feel “over it”. However, this feeling of apathy is actually related to the ending of one’s first or second serious relationship, and then entering into a kind of funk or depression that sometimes never goes away. For me, combinations of this and heavy workloads have spelled long periods of not doing anything remotely exciting or social.

Of course, I became motivated to be a dating coach because I can recognize these symptoms, and part of the joy of life is overcoming challenges. “Returning to game” is almost periodical for me, coming in waves, with my game often offset by either entering (and ending) a new relationship, or becoming bogged down by work and non-meeting-girls-related-stuff. (In addition, I sometimes find myself just trying to save money by not buying gin and tonics and paying huge cover fees 5 nights a week).

It’s true, however, that some guys are social superheroes–the expert “pickup artists” who go out steady 7 nights a week for years to become the masters of their trade. These guys are a peculiar but amazing oddity, and I don’t really think this extreme is healthy, either. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s bad to party every single bloody night. There has to be some balance, folks. (Not that I don’t admire these people in an odd way!)

That being said, finding such balance involves pulling yourself OUT OF said dry spells and getting back into the game without allowing a slow period to consume your life and turn you into an aging, depressing, boring old dude. Here’s some tips:

Plan Your Schedule: Here’s a good time to evaluate your schedule. Something I always recommend considering the possibility you are working too much, and evaluating if you even have any free time anymore. If not, it’s time to balance some shit out in your life. If you have to work two jobs to keep up huge car payments, I’m afraid to say it might be time to trade that Lexus in (image is nothing). I really don’t think people should work more than 40 hours a week. If you go past this, you won’t have enough energy to go out and do stuff you WANT to do, like getting back into the game.

Start Jogging or Going to the Gym versus Staying Home: Examine your “me time” and figure out what you’re spending your time doing. Odds are, it involves X-Box Live and / or Game of Thrones on Netflix–a habit I actually highly support (the creative arts and fantasy worlds inspire the human soul to greater potential), but now is not the time for couch-melding. Do anything to get yourself OUT of the house with your blood circulating. This is going to increase your mood, your fitness level, and put you in the emotional state to start meeting people again.

Go Out Alone: (This reminds me to write a post about going out alone) — Now it’s time to get back into the habit of going out, and doing it often. Force yourself out of the house, don’t rely on scheduling with your equally boring friends, and start meeting people. Bars and nightclubs is Plan A, but start mass-joining Meetup.com groups, as well. Your point is to make friends, that’s the best path to meeting girls, as well.

Work Rooms: On the same note, when you do go clubbing, learn to “work rooms”, meeting as many people as you can, shaking hands, and doing what some call “being the mayor”. This is the best way to start meeting and networking without dealing with the high pressure nature of doing “pickup”. Meet everybody, don’t discriminate, and see if new friends will introduce you to ladies. It will happen eventually!

There you have it, these are the big dating tips for men who are getting back into the game again. At least, this covers the “meeting girls” part. A lot more can be spoken of once you’re seeing someone steady again, but I’ll save that for another article ;-) till next time.

When to Call Her, And Other Phone Rules

Girl talking on the phone

Ever since Alexander Graham Bell and Edison first came up with the telecommunications concept, which thrusted modern society into the beginnings of the great age of information (which is currently at its zenith), men from around the world immediately realized the potential to have easier dating lives. However, just as quickly as men discovered the benefit of collecting digits from women, there also came an error of human psychology; women were not always so receptive to that next-day phone-call. And thus, with the age of information came the global crisis of men obsessing about “when to call her”.

The reason women are sometimes less receptive to that all-important next-day phone-call is because it requires a level of commitment that most women simply do not feel after an initial meeting. That, and women are more emotionally centered than men are, so if the emotions she first felt around you, whether joy laughter or ecstasy, are not felt in the moment that she picks up the telephone amidst a splitting a headache, then you’re out of luck, bub!

However, humans continue to procreate as a result of Bell’s most interesting device, so somewhere, somehow, men have figured out when to call her appropriately, how to woo her over the telephone, and successfully schedule an additional meeting. How do they do it? We’ve broken it down for your enjoyment and educational pleasure with these DevelopedMan.com Calling Rules:

Rule #1 Build Up a Lot of Rapport First: Here’s the main reason that most schmucks experience nothing but cold shards of ice during the next-day phone-call; they didn’t properly enter her life first. The idea of serendipity on the street is sadly overplayed by Hollywood, and I’ve never seen it happen. I’ve had great chemistry with women only to have them disappear upon handing over their digits. There’s common threads why this happens: she doesn’t feel like she “knows” you yet. I would not even expect a successful phone interaction unless you spend a minimum of four hours together first.

Rule #2 Don’t Schedule a Date First: Here’s something counter-productive, imagine calling her but NOT scheduling a date. Your aim instead is to have a conversation that’s fun or stimulating. You want her to FORGET that she’s having an awkward “next-day phone-call” with some dude. So, what do you do instead? Well, pick up a conversational thread from the night prior–ask her how her X, Y, Z that you talked about is coming along.

Rule #3 Get Her to Laugh or Feel Silly: Creating banter is a whole topic that could be delved into with much greater detail (perhaps in another article). As we know, playfulness and banter are things you cannot force to happen. If it does occur, however, that’s excellent–allow it and encourage it– fan those flames. Lightheartedness is the key to a woman’s heart, and it immediately lessens the high-pressure dynamic of a phone-call.

Rule #4 Call Her Soon: And now, to answer the grand question of “when to call her” — the answer is actually soon, like the next morning. Yep, ignore what they said in “Swingers”. Why soon? Because the longer you wait, the more AWKWARD it gets (“Oh, it’s the guy from last Thursday, why is he calling me? Oh, god.”)

IN SUMMARY: So, what is a successful phone call? It’s one where it’s done quickly, where there is no pressure and no immediate plans are made, yet you guys bantered for an hour like old friends, chatting about tons of different things, and she suddenly feels comfortable talking to you and she’s hoping you are going to call her again. At such a point, “asking her out” becomes a no-brainer because she wants to see you really badly. Viola.

How to Flirt: Why it’s Really a Mindset

flirtingFlirting is probably one of the greatest mysteries of the modern world. What is it? How do you do it? It would seem everybody has a different conception about how to flirt, and what it even is. Opinions range from technical descriptions (“maintain eye contact and smile”) to logistics (“brush past her and make physical contact”) to techniques (“tease her”).

I feel wary of all these concepts. In reality, flirting is actually even less complicated than these descriptions. Flirting is really just sexual communication, and the way to do it is entirely dependent on one thing: mutual interest. That’s right, the interest has to be mutual, therefore flirting is not a technique to win a woman’s favor. The equation is simple: a girl is interested in you, you’re interested in her back, and communication should naturally turn to flirting. And, the great news is that flirting can be nearly instantaneous.

When you get in the mindset, knowing how to flirt can be the greatest tool in your arsenal. If the idea is mutual attraction, then the key is to assume there is attraction among the women you want to flirt with, and with this idea firmly rooted in your mind–simply begin a normal interaction, and watch what happens. More often than not, this split second process will result in the truest flirting that will coat your normal words like a beautiful icing.

And, if despite your best effort she does not feel mutually attracted, you’ll know because your communication will not be electrified with that sexual energy. This is fine, just move on. However, as you become more socially acclimated, it will become easier to immediately pick up on a “ping back” of signals, and you’ll be able to even gauge it or increase the tension, as necessary.

The reason I am writing this post is because the other day I was at some cafe out in Beverly Hills. I walked in and, for fun, started telling the cafe girl my order with the assumption that we were both into each other. I did not say or do anything differently, but my all-powerful, unseen “vibe” had changed to one of not just interest in her–but assumed mutual interest between both of us. That’s it. A simple, subtle adjustment of my attitude.

So what happened? She started giggling like somebody ran up behind her and was tickling her. For the entire time she waited on me there was this unspoken “thing” going on between us. It’s really a very “magical” feeling that is priceless. And, the remarkable aspect about flirting is that it requires such little effort to create that spark.

Of course, you DO need to be “confident”, or rather present and in the moment as you assume this mindset. If you walk into a cafe thinking “Ok, I am going to FLIRT now. Time to get ready!” you’ve already blown it because you’re over analyzing!

Your vibe has to be positive, and your head has to be clear. If you’re having trouble doing this, I suggest meditation, visualization, and learning ways to shake off the stress, helping you to interact with people.

The Demonstration of Higher Value – A New Guide

Here’s an acronym you may have heard before: a “DHV”, or a demonstration of higher value. On the topic of seduction, this was (and continues to be) a big deal. It’s the idea of implanting certain “spikes” into your conversation to show your high-quality characteristics without directly stating them—which would be bragging.

Most famously, a person would spin a tale about helping some ex-girlfriend out of a bad situation in order to demonstrate both his pre-selection by other women (the existence of girlfriends) and his ability to look out for loved ones. And, based on further evolutionary psychobabble, these traits activate switches in a woman’s mind that a man is a worthy suitor. Presto, seduction accomplished (or one phase of it, anyway).


Like a lot of advice created in the seduction community, I’d approach this topic with a grain of salt. If there’s a single thing that made me overthink my “game” back when I was a college sophomore, it was probably this.

Hitting up a lot of clubs in 2006 and 2007, it became obvious when I’d see guys trying to mack on girls after filling their heads with stuff like this:

“Yeah, so I was driving my yacht the other day and you wouldn’t believe what happened, I saw my ex-girlfriend on the shore and she was being attacked by a wild bobcat. So I stopped the yacht and saved her…”


I have some news: talking like this is still a form of bragging, anybody with a shred of social acumen can sense it. I doubt it improves your chances with any woman, and if you do meet a lady after concocting DHV laden stories, I’d bet my money your success was unrelated to your technique.

However, the demonstration of higher value is still a real thing, it’s just the actual way to do it was inaccurately described when seduction-celebrity Mystery, or whoever it was, cooked up the idea in the early 2000s.

How to Really Create a Demonstration of Higher Value

The DHV is still a great way to massively improve your success in business, romance, and various other areas, and it’s something I highly recommend doing. It’s just that demonstrating value is not performed in the way that was commonly taught.

In Business and the Social Ladder

The greatest way to move up the social ladder and network with high-rollers is by showing value. The way to do it is twofold:

Treat people Equally: don’t butter up rich or famous people, but aim to be a friend or partner who accepts them unconditionally. So, be an ear of support, and have the ability to listen and offer thoughtful feedback. These are traits not commonly possessed, and the rich and powerful will want these types of people in their social circles. Furthermore, never directly recognize their social status; treating that billionaire CEO like any other normal friend of yours will yield a lot of respect.

Offer Real Utility: Whether in the form of sound-advice or actual services, be happy to help people. Never say you plan to accomplish X, Y, Z. Instead, simply do it, and let them decide if they want to compensate you or not. Through being somebody who acts, and does not talk, you’ll enter the top percentile of valuable people.

In Sex and Romance

Showing value to a woman is a bit different from showing value socially or in business. A high-value man is identified by whether his mannerisms match that of other sexually sought after men.

Non-Attachment: The best DHV in the world is to remain unaffected by a beautiful woman. High-value men may be surrounded by sexual options, so they don’t put unnecessary weight on a particular woman, and as it turns out—women like this. To practice this is as simple as never fawning over a pretty girl and to never hand over one ounce of your power in return for her favor.

Tease: Secondly, you can tease her, but not in a creepy, passive-aggressive or try-hard way: simply communicate with her as an equal, and if the opportunity arises, joke with her. There are tons of resources on the web for learning banter and humor, and this demonstrates value in many powerful ways. This is a true DHV.

What Happens: When a beautiful woman meets a man who’s completely unplugged from traditional social programming about treating her with special attention, like a princess, or any type of clingy behavior, that man becomes extremely interesting to her. So much that within minutes of behaving this way with a gorgeous girl, a puzzled look may appear on her face, followed by rapid attempts to qualify herself (which you can respond to with a bit of reassurance that you enjoy her company).

In Addition: Acts of heroics are definitely a massive value spike when demonstrated versus passively talking about it, but unless you’re Ryan Gosling, I wouldn’t depend on these moments as a way to impress the ladies.

However, through being a good-hearted guy who tries to help out, you can increase your authentic value by helping people in a selfless way—and this definitely won’t harm your success!

In Summary

The demonstration of higher value is actually performed “behind the scenes”, it is never done through hitting somebody over the head with injected lines related to past girlfriends, expensive merchandise or feats of heroism.

On the other hand, actions speak much louder than words. In business, never make empty promises, but always be making a direct impact through offering value, even if it’s just through being great, positive company. In romance, don’t explain your value, but show it by behaving in a way that is attractive. In essence, you must BE it rather than wear it like a cheap costume, and then you will have really great results.

If you liked this post, please consider signing up to our newsletter at this link to help the community grow.

A Look at Nice Guys Who Are Really Assholes

A lot has been written about “nice guys”—from the famous Robert Glover book “No More Mr. Nice Guy” to countless lectures by top relationship coaches like David Wygant, David DeAngelo and plenty of others. The consensus is that “nice guys” are not really so nice at all and that they tend to have manipulative tendencies.

The reason for all of this attention to the adjective of “nice” is that it’s continually thrown around by guys and girls alike to describe idyllic male characteristics, and / or pushovers that are unattractive and unappealing: “He’s a nice guy” “I should date more nice guys” “I’m a nice guy, honest” “Why am I not attracted to nice guys and I only have sex with bad boys?”, and so forth.

To explore this issue further than what’s already been written about it, then it’s important to figure out what the adjective “nice” really means: pleasing, agreeable, or delightful. This is used to contrast male behavior with somebody who is, perhaps, loud, obnoxious, annoying, boisterous, arrogant, rude, impolite, or mean spirited.

According to some deluded advice, being a “nice guy” is so terrible that you should actually be an obnoxious fucking jackass as a proper alternative. Pumped up on testosterone, a lot of guys go through a phase like this in their teens and early twenties where they act crazy, uncaring and arrogant–up until they begin to realize how that behavior just doesn’t fly in the real world, and results in stuff like being fired or getting divorced.

The advantage to being a “nice guy” versus a jerk is that it means having the social skills necessary to come across in a pleasant way around people. Obviously, nobody likes to keep the company of anyone who puts others down.

Although being nice reaps less success than being a pushy bastard, it does result in a type of social back-and-forth approval from people, which is intoxicating in its own right. Th feeling that someone is “nice” stems from a reaction to our own internal emotions; somebody who’s pleasing, agreeable and delightful elicits short bursts of approval or comfort. This is, of course, a better feeling than being challenged or called-out by so-called “assholes”. So, it must be good, right?

The problem is that a world that’s agreeable and pleasant is a world that’s not conducive to the powerful forces of change. A person steeped in poor behavior, illusion or ignorance requires the power of conflict and disagreement to be set straight. One who adapts his behavior to continually flow with the linear path of the stream will not create enough force to push through the darkness in life. Therefore, many “nice guys” are of the “pushover” variety: the types of guys who would bend over backwards for the wrong types of people, and could be easily swayed into bad or even criminal behavior amidst their effort to please people. These types of guys act this way in an attempt to siphon as much approval as they possibly can, out of as many people as possible. It’s a tactic.

Further, the feeling of short-lasting approval that some people feel in the presence of a “nice guy” is also exploitable by talented actors. These are the infamous sociopathic nice guys. A swarthy salesperson, politican, or world-leader may exhibit these behaviors, but so may a guy who’s faking that he’s “boyfriend material” in a sleazy attempt to manipulate a woman into bed with him.

Both sociopathic “nice guys” and pushover, doormat “nice guys” are using fake behaviors to consciously further their own ends. However, there’s another “nice guy” to beware of: those who fake pleasant behavior without even realizing that they’re being fake.

Nice As Holier-Than-Thou Behavior

Even worse than people who put on fake fronts are guys who become self-assured they are “nice” as a response to perhaps psychological childhood damage, and have managed to fool themselves, as well as people around them. You may hear them say things like: “I’m not mad” “I never get mad” “I never yell” “I’m not yelling” “I’m not upset” “I’m a nice guy”—and they proceed to try and control you, manipulate you, and secretly hold grudges against you. This is the infamous passive aggressive personality, and it’s not fun to deal with.

This type of behavior is a result of people who are afraid of their own emotions, and have attributed their poor experiences in life toward people who are “not nice” and they are desperately trying to prove to the world they are not one of those people. Meanwhile, what they’re really doing is becoming a new type of terrible person—but now they’re doing it with a smile.

These are among the worst people to work with, have as managers, or to date.

Authentic People Are Not Always Pleasing or Accommodating

And now we get to the main point: high-quality people are identifiable because they don’t make the mistake of trying to keep people happy around them, all the time. They also remain at peace with concepts of conflict, enough to not need fake personas.

For one example, would a high quality man try to make a bad person happy? No. There is no reason to be generous in this nature to somebody who will only corrupt those good feelings.

Instead, a virtuous man is ready to accept—and deliver—conflict. As such, he does not tip-toe around these prospects. He may “tell it like it is” at any occasion under the sun, and he is not paralyzed by fear of rejection or disapproval.

At the same time, his honesty and strength of mind is done in combination with other virtues—open mindedness and general empathy, so he’s not tainted by mean-spiritedness or cynicism as he deals with people. He’s never walking into a social situation with a dark cloud over his head, passing judgments or approaching situations with pessimism.

When somebody possesses these virtuous characteristics along with an attitude that refuses to shy away from conflict, then what is created is a trait known as leadership.

Doormat “nice guys”, sociopathic “disguised nice guys”, and passive aggressive “nice guys” are not leaders, but are all emotionally unbalanced people who are either completely undeveloped or extremely self-centered and with little regard for the group or the community.

In addition, the blatantly disrespectful, gloomy, self-serving bastard who hates everybody and yells a lot is NOT a leader, either. Although, at the very least, he’s a bit more honest about the type of person he is, and is ultimately a lot easier to deal with.

So Who’s Really Mr. Nice Guy?

So, the “nice guys” are terrible models in business and love, just as the bastards and grim, cynical control-freaks also make life miserable. Obviously neither example is very “nice”. So, just who IS nice, really?

Oddly enough, it’s the authentic types of guys who become the ones who are really “nice”. I say this in the sense that they become “nice to be around”. There’s no lingering feeling in the backs of people’s minds that there’s something “off kilter” about their personalities. The more congruent a man is, the more he becomes “smooth” and the things that he says are more powerful.

This is pretty much the only type of guy to strive to become

So Do These Nice Guys Finish Last?

Now, you can stretch the “niceness” definition to include whether people possess empathic characteristics. The long-standing premise in society is that people who are NOT empathic, but are the sociopathic types—whether it is performed with a smile and the visage of niceness, or a snarky grimace—are the people who always get the last laugh, the job, or the girl.

The truth is… that this is a true concept! In fact, sociopathic, non-empathic people are more “successful” because the lack the emotional concepts required to feel bad when doing unto others allows them to manipulate, backstab, cheat and steal their ways to the top.

In the same breath, people also end up “on top” for the exact opposite reasons: through virtuous behavior, caring about people beneath them, supporting everybody around them, and being strong when it counts, without avoiding conflict. I notice in positions of power and leadership, I see both examples. Unfortunately, sometimes it’s not easy to identify who is who because the sociopathic types are the same “chameleon nice guys” who are great at pretending to be virtuous as a method of furthering their own ends—the trademark politician with a big smile and holding a baby, then when the sun goes down they’re snorting glittery designer cocaine off the tits of B-list pornstars while accepting massive bribes from lobbyists.

The dark side of the force truly yields quicker results. These types of people make it big, and this might be what spurs a man from a developmental age to grow into the next Gordon Gecko. However, what is often forgotten is that “bad guys” crash hard as their ruinous habits catch up with them. There are a lot of examples of this throughout history, from Enron executives to murderous rulers and royal families of antiquity who drown in their excess or end up staring at a bucket from under the shadow of a guillotine.

So, the moral or what I’m trying to say is that even the sociopathic “nice guy” who is actually walking over people, will ultimately fail. In addition, the guy who crushes his competition without regard for anybody and does not attempt to front a “nice guy” visage will, in the end, also fail.

“Nice” Is an Improper Definition

One final thought: “nice” is clearly being thrown around too indiscriminately. So, we have “nice guys” who are really creepy / unnerving / passive aggressive, nice guys who are human doormats and afraid of displeasing anybody, plus “nice guys” who are actually hiding evil sociopathic behavior. Finally, there are genuinely good natured people who are authentic, and are thus nice in their own ways.

When a woman says she wants a “nice guy” she’s probably referring to the last example. Yet, a self-described “nice guy” could also be one of the other three types, as well!

As you can imagine, there is a major problem of semantics going on. What’s needed are new, easy-to-remember adjectives for the types of “nice guys” that nobody really wants to be, while the term “nice guy” to reference authentic men has been too corrupted by the other examples to still be applicable. So, the genuine “nice guys” need a new definition, also.

Any examples come to mind? Are there any new adjectives for any of these personality types that we can start using? Please post your thoughts on the comments below (DevelopedMan.com has now enabled Facebook comment posting—so feel free to share your ideas).

A Guy’s Guide to Handling Conflict

handling conflict

In my life I’ve noticed two extremes: men who compulsively avoid conflict, and those who seem to seek it out. Obviously, neither strategy is very good. For this article, I’d like to talk about the types of conflict we encounter in our day-to-day lives, and how deal with each situation. This way, you’ll be better prepared the next time you have to show your teeth against a rival, and handling conflict can then become a skill you can truly adopt.

Friend to Friend Conflict

The Situation: A friend has pissed you off by owing you money, messing up your schedule, or otherwise being thoughtless.

In this case, in my experience, it’s best to be direct and forceful among friends. You must place strong barriers around yourself, even against people you know very well. If you don’t do this, it’s possible to get severely walked over. Most friends you keep should be equitable and honest people, but every now and then somebody enters our lives that continually “pushes the envelope” and tries to get away with as much as possible without being caught. It’s an unfortunate part of their personalities.

These types of people are used to being disciplined by getting yelled at. In fact, throughout their whole lives parents, peers and bosses have grounded them or punished them for misbehavior. This is, unfortunately, the only way to keep them in line. You’ll know these types of people due to their relative indifference to being yelled at. Whereas most people feel sensitive about being yelled at, these sorts expect you to give them hell.

If you don’t create a strong personal boundary, you’ll be indirectly inviting them into your private space to assert their control over your life. You don’t want this to happen. You have to stand up for yourself.

Employee to Boss Conflict

The Situation: You have a condescending, jackass supervisor who puts you down.

This is one of the trickiest conflict scenarios I can think of. Sometimes we encounter low quality people who become drunk off the slightest amount of power. What these people are doing is blurring the lines between professionalism and high-school clique behavior. You’ll notice jackass supervisors keep an inner circle of their “preferred” employees, sometimes even based on things like age or race, and outsiders are treated like dirt.

The solution is a bit complicated: you have to establish strong workplace value by ensuring your numbers are soaring. If it’s retail, maximize your customer service and sales. If it’s project development, be the most efficient guy in the office.

At this point, the jackass supervisor’s sway over you becomes less strong, especially if management above him notices your hard work. When you’ve leveraged some of your own power, you can begin standing up for yourself more strongly.

If the harassment continues, you may have to go “nuclear”: jeopardize your own employment by calling him out to upper management, file a report of workplace discrimination, or if the situation is unfixable—give your two weeks notice and let upper management figure out why their branch manager is causing good employees to quit.

AMOG in Bar Conflict

Here’s one of my favorite situations for handling conflict.

Situation: when a “bro” in a bar (or the famous acronym: Alpha Male of the Group) tries to devalue you. I notice venues with high ratios of vacationing frat-boys have the highest incidence of AMOGs, such as Venice Beach, LA and Pacific Beach, SD.

9 times out of 10 it’s because the AMOG considers you a sexual threat. When you go into a bar or club and you start approaching / talking to women, you’re going to get tooled. Their rationale is to out-frame you, and make you appear low-value to the eyes of the women they’re competing for.

The Solutions: There’s a number of fun ways to handle this, and all of them involve negating the frame they’re trying to oppose. The WRONG way to handle this is by responding defensively, and even worse is to respond offensively. For instance, when a big, dumb dude AMOGs another big, dumb dude, it usually results in a bar-fight. That’s never what you want. Instead, my favorite technique is to radically misinterpret their frame and remain completely non-reactive.

AMOG: “Hey bro, you look kind of like that guy from Harry Potter, what’s his name, Ron Weasley?”

You (to AMOG): “Definitely garden salad sandwiches are my favorite, number two is probably tuna.”

AMOG: ??

One weakness to this approach is that you’re still responding to him versus simply blocking him out. Most of the time it’s better to just plow past their taunts:

AMOG: “Hey bro, can you hold my drink while I go take a piss?” (an attempt at frame control).

YOU: “Cool, man” (return to conversation with girl)

AMOG (now angry): “You’re a little dick sucker aren’t you.”

YOU: “Respect, man,” (return to conversation with girl)

AMOG: (now furious because he looks like the over-reactive tool. He will typically back off because he doesn’t want to be seen getting thrown out of the bar if he gets physical. You win.)

Handling Conflict When You’re the Boss

The Situation:: if you’re in a position of authority, you will have to frequently flex your authority over subordinates. However, this can be very tricky, because you don’t want to be the “jackass manager” mentioned previously.

This type of conflict depends on the type of situation. If it’s purely professional, such as you need to enhance performance levels, then always KEEP it professional by never taking your criticism to a personal level. Always use collective terminology: “we” “the company”, etc.

“I think we can really boost this month’s numbers if we take a new approach” is a good way to issue a directive to a less than optimal employee. A statement like: “Unfortunately, we gotta crack down on lower numbers, so I need you to pay attention to these next ideas” will direct it towards the person and make it clear that you desire better performance, without making it seem like their character is flawed.

Furthermore, if the employee really is trying their best, don’t subject him or her to the psychological punishment of “We need to talk” and making an unspecified meeting time. Try to keep it casual, on-the-spot, or reserve criticism for weekly performance meetings that are scheduled. In addition, recognize his or her accomplishments, as well. Don’t just focus on the negative.

However, there is another type of employee to beware of, and it’s the exact same person mentioned previously in the “friend to friend” conflicts. It’s the employee who tries to get away with as much as he or she can. As in your personal life, these people require constant punishment or they will instantly revert to their old pattern of behavior.

You can identify these unruly types because, as in your social circle, they ONLY respond to harsh words and the pressure of authority. Anything less than this, and they’ll begin to step on you. These types of people represent the minority, but identify who they are, and gauge your behavior around them. Reserve your strictest attitude for dealing with them.

Angry Dude You Barely Know Wants to Kill You

The Situation: There are some really disturbed, crazy people in the world, and when you meet a lot of faces, you’ll eventually enter a situation where somebody wants to hurt you, or even kill you, because of some hair—trigger reason.

Defer to martial artists: try to defuse the situation first. Don’t incite the guy whatsoever. If he puts a fist in your face or gets physical, do not respond with your own attack unless you truly feel threatened. The reason is because you ultimately want the cops to haul only him away, not the both of you.

By staying collected, with your head-on, you’ll be in a better tactical situation if you DO need to subdue him by striking him someplace where it really hurts. A guy who’s boiling with rage is less likely to win in a fight versus someone who’s calm and collected.

Next, don’t hesitate to call 911. If your temperament is very cool, and the offender is going nuts, I promise you the cops will defer to your judgment and most likely remove the guy from the situation and thank you for your cooperation and responsible management of the situation.

In Summary

So, now we know about handling conflict in a variety of situations. Keep in mind there are other areas of conflict to discuss; such as business conflict and how to go on the offensive when dealing with competitors. However, for now, these examples should give a nice roundabout guide for handling various interpersonal situations that otherwise frustrate or confuse socially untrained guys.